I found a copy of my old hand-coded blog from the time my First and I were in our relationship. I wonder if there was a private journal also, but I haven’t taken the time to really look for it. My blog at the time was also BDSM-focussed (oh, what a surprise!), documenting my early explorations and relationships, but the content is frustratingly sporadic and incomplete. My play posts about my First were based on what I wrote there.

My First had access to the blog (indeed, the first time he told me he loved me, he wrote it in … Continue Reading

In case you don’t normally read comments, my First has contributed some thoughtful perspectives in the comments of these posts about him (he posts as Her First):

• Unravelling the past
• Navel gazing

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I had a blog around the time that we were in a relationship, possibly some journals also. I was curious enough about how I felt at the time to go looking for them.

I found the blog content and some old emails. My blog writing is cold, factual, brutally honest, especially given I know my First read it (he wrote in it at least once). Quite … Continue Reading

In a comment on my last post, Aethel said this about her current relationship:

“I really want to strangle his old doms whenever I think of them. I have had to undo the fears, almost expectations, of abuse that previous partners left behind”

Yeep. That sounds terrible, and I’m really glad that he has you to create that safe space for him.

I actually expect (though I haven’t asked) that my First’s partners after me had to deal with a lot of that same thing. Because of his misunderstanding and the terrible hurt and mistrust it caused, I have … Continue Reading

For the full story:

• He believed…
• Because… mine
• My First: his words
• Glimpses of history

My First and I have been gently exploring our past relationship, and in doing so we have been exposing the fact that we never really understood each other. And when I say ‘never really understood’, I mean ‘had wildly different experiences in the same relationship’.

There was the ‘big misunderstanding‘ that underscored a lot of it, but it’s clear in hindsight that we didn’t have the vocabulary or the communication skills to navigate the complexities of our relationship.

I was a new Domme, … Continue Reading

If you are interested in some glimpses of how I saw my First in the time we were together, both of the posts below are about him.

I wrote a blog at the time (before blogs were a thing, hand coded in HTML), and kept a journal: both of these writings were based on descriptions I wrote back then, so they are true to my perspective at the time. There might be some others about him floating around, but these came quickly and easily to mind as pivotal moments with him.

• Piercing reversal
• Please, please don’t
• Foreplay

They are sweet, … Continue Reading

My first submissive has commented on some of the posts I’ve written about him using the nickname “Her First” (this cute choice of nickname makes me smile & I’ll be calling him ‘First‘ from now on).

I’m putting this comment from him here in its entirety because it sums up his perspective of this situation so well. You’ll need to read that post for this one to make sense.

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“He sees a kind of rueful humour in it now”

Honestly, that’s an understatement :)

It was 18 years ago, and many of my memories of my time … Continue Reading