about me/  advice/  advice for Dommes/  musing

Dominance and vulnerability

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Dominance makes me vulnerable for lots of reasons. I have talked about vulnerability previously, but I don’t think I have tackled it as it relates to my dominance before, probably because it’s so complex.

Dominance makes me feel vulnerable because I expose myself in it: I give of myself, I share secrets, I let him in to see who I really am, I offer him my control, I trust him to revel in it, I open my inner self up to judgement and rejection. It’s no different a vulnerability than anyone feels when they shed their outer shell and let … Continue Reading

Loves: 21
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advice/  advice for male subs/  musing

Submission is not passive

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Submission is not passive.

I remember a submissive saying to me once “It’s easy for me, I just have to turn up and do what I’m told…”

Yeah, good luck with that.

Submission is NOT about being passive. If someone chooses ‘submissive’ as a role because they think it absolves them of the responsibility to be an active and enthusiastically functioning participant in a relationship, they are going to be sadly disappointed.

I see a not infrequent attitude where men essentially say “My vanilla relationships failed because I didn’t do shit and she wasn’t happy with that… I just want … Continue Reading

Loves: 26
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advice/  advice for Dommes/  advice for male subs/  femdom relationships/  top pick

Compromise in D/s relationships

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I talked in my Masocast interview with the lovely UnspeakableAxe about compromising away happiness, and I’ve had a few private conversations about it since then, so I thought it was worth expanding on.

A lot of people seem to start relationships with “Oh, that’s okay, it’s not that important to me” and end up with “What the holy fuck happened here?”

There is always compromise in relationships, but there is a world of difference between small ‘c’ compromise and capital ‘C’ Compromise.

Small ‘c’ compromise is about each side making concessions so that you can both be happy: talking about … Continue Reading

Loves: 25
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advice for male subs/  musing

Being submissive can be scary

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When I met my boy, he was scared, as many newbies are scared.

Scared that he wouldn’t know what to do ‘as a submissive’.

Scared that this D/s thing wouldn’t be what he expected.

Scared that the reality wouldn’t live up to what was in his head, in his imagination.

Scared that he wasn’t really submissive, that he was ‘faking it’ somehow, fooling himself.

Scared that he wasn’t really a masochist, that his fantasies over all those years were false.

Scared that he would fail me, not be what I wanted.

Scared that I would lose interest because he … Continue Reading

Loves: 34
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about me/  advice

D/s flirting

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Vanilla flirting is about expressing attraction and playing with it.

It’s essentially:

“You’re cute…”

“No YOU…”

And etc.

Flirting is fun, it’s bouncing potential off each other, even if there is no real intent. It’s about both parties feeling desirable and appreciated.

To me, D/s flirting has exactly the same aim, it’s just a little different in its execution. D/s flirting is about playing around with the dynamic a little bit. Similar to vanilla flirting, we toss things out to each other and see if the other person catches it and runs with it. It’s about exercising a little D/s … Continue Reading

Loves: 18
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advice/  musing

Invoking/maintaining his submission

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A recent discussion interested me with two very different schools of thought in response to this question:

“Do you use anything to invoke and maintain submission from your partner?”

  • One school of thought seemed to be that his submission is just *there* all the time once he has agreed to submit and if the dominant has to do anything to invoke or maintain it, then there is something wrong.
  • The other was that submission requires some kind of action from the dominant to invoke and/or maintain it.

I’d guess that most people who have been reading my blog would think … Continue Reading

Loves: 16
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about me/  advice/  musing

Building trust

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Trust doesn’t flow one way. I know that’s obvious, but we D/s folks talk a lot about how the submissive has to trust their Domme and all that. Yes, true.

But as a dominant, I have to trust him also.

I have to trust him to accept my dominance happily, I have to trust him to glow under it, I have to trust that he will tell me when something is wrong, I have to trust that he is sincere in wanting to give me the things that I want, I have to trust that he is happy to be … Continue Reading

Loves: 24
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