Reader Q&A: How to explain that he wants to be ‘used’

I really want to do a bunch of ‘How to’ posts to cover ‘hints and tips for newbies’ because I see these kinds of questions all the time from both potential submissives and from potential dominants. They’re great questions that many people struggle with in one way or another.

Hello. when answering questions you often say to new Dom’s not take the airy fairy stuff like ‘I want to fulfil all your fantasies’ and ask their partners for more details. But what if a sub really gets turned on by the idea of being used instead of any particular acts. Continue Reading

Loves: 17
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What happens if your submissive disobeys?

Edited To Add: Here’s a link to the post with my answer to this question and advice for anyone who’s struggling with it in their dynamic:
When your submissive says ‘no’


I was going to write a post pontificating about this, as I tend to do, and then I thought I’d ask you all instead of blathering on about it from my own point of view.

For both submissives and dominants:

In your relationship, what happens when the submissive disobeys?

For the purposes of this question, I am using the word ‘disobey’ to mean ‘to refuse or fail to follow … Continue Reading

Loves: 13
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Reader QnA: How does a sub say no?

How does a sub say no at all. I read you blog entry on what to do if your sub says no but a harder question for a sub is how do you say no. Numerous times I have had very bad experiences because I didn’t feel I could deny my partner.

Recently My Lady put me through a scene that was several hours long. It was something I knew I would not enjoy but I felt I could not say no. Negotiation can not cover every possibility, I had simply never thought of this kind of play before. Now … Continue Reading

Loves: 19
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Reader Q&A: Energy in play and kissing dates

Advice and thoughts on nicknames, getting your needs met, building energy in play, and the intricacies of kissing dates.

___

Hey there,
I’m an aspiring Domme. But I haven’t found a name I’m happy with yet. Any suggestions?
Thanks!
~Goddess _________

Hello there!

*smile* You are starting your name with ‘Goddess’ and you are asking someone who goes by ‘Ferns’. I think I can safely say “I got nothin'”.

My only advice is to pick something that is meaningful to you for whatever reason, and make it something that isn’t going to have you rolling your eyes at yourself a … Continue Reading

Loves: 8
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Reader Q&A: Domination on his timetable

Hello wonderful Ferns,

I have started seeing a beautiful boi, who is alpha plus in his day job. This also means he is extremely busy. Sometimes this makes it hard to dominate him as we kind of work to his clock. I am okish with this as I admire his work, actually it really turns me on.. blah blah ANYWAY… Have you been in a similar position and how did you manage it? Or, alternatively do you know of some fet groups or blogs that discuss similar dynamics (im looking for tips, discussions on problems that come up). My biggest … Continue Reading

Loves: 7
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Blending D/s and vanilla

This cracker of a question was asked by someone on my Ask Me page all anonymous-like:

What is the best advice you can give to a new Domme? I’m feeling uncertain about how to blend the vanilla and the D/s in a new relationship.

It’s tough not only to be figuring out yourself and your needs but learning someone else’s, too! And yet difficult to separate the two.

It can be really tough, yes!!

I have a few posts that I have categorised as ‘Advice for Dommes‘, so please take a look at those for random snippets. This … Continue Reading

Loves: 12
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Supporting your dominant’s dominance

Sometimes submissives ask how they can help their dominant (especially their *new* dominant) become more comfortable in her dominance.

Come here, and I will let you in on a secret…

Ssshhhh…

Ready?

Here it is:

Submit!

Seriously. Do that.

I know it sounds as if I am being cute or something, but I’m not.

Do you want to know what I probably needed most from my submissive when I was finding my feet?

  • A safe space in which to assert myself.
  • To be certain that when I ask for something, he will comply.
  • To be confident that he is eager
Continue Reading
Loves: 20
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