about me/  advice/  advice for Dommes/  QnA

Blending D/s and vanilla

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This cracker of a question was asked by someone on my Ask Me page all anonymous-like:

What is the best advice you can give to a new Domme? I’m feeling uncertain about how to blend the vanilla and the D/s in a new relationship.

It’s tough not only to be figuring out yourself and your needs but learning someone else’s, too! And yet difficult to separate the two.

It can be really tough, yes!!

I have a few posts that I have categorised as ‘Advice for Dommes‘, so please take a look at those for random snippets. This … Continue Reading

Loves: 12
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about me/  advice/  advice for Dommes/  musing

Dominance and vulnerability

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Dominance makes me vulnerable for lots of reasons. I have talked about vulnerability previously, but I don’t think I have tackled it as it relates to my dominance before, probably because it’s so complex.

Dominance makes me feel vulnerable because I expose myself in it: I give of myself, I share secrets, I let him in to see who I really am, I offer him my control, I trust him to revel in it, I open my inner self up to judgement and rejection. It’s no different a vulnerability than anyone feels when they shed their outer shell and let … Continue Reading

Loves: 21
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advice/  advice for Dommes/  advice for male subs/  femdom relationships/  top pick

Compromise in D/s relationships

81 Comments

I talked in my Masocast interview with the lovely UnspeakableAxe about compromising away happiness, and I’ve had a few private conversations about it since then, so I thought it was worth expanding on.

A lot of people seem to start relationships with “Oh, that’s okay, it’s not that important to me” and end up with “What the holy fuck happened here?”

There is always compromise in relationships, but there is a world of difference between small ‘c’ compromise and capital ‘C’ Compromise.

Small ‘c’ compromise is about each side making concessions so that you can both be happy: talking about … Continue Reading

Loves: 25
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advice/  advice for Dommes

How to be demanding

68 Comments

I’m going to try really hard not to get all ranty-mcranty here, but I can’t promise anything.

I’m only going to tackle one tiny piece of this because this is a slice of the ‘not dominant enough’ pie, which is as big as the entire world, it seems.

New dominant women exploring D/s relationships often struggle with ‘demanding things’ from their submissive. They don’t know how to do it, and it often makes them feel bad. There are really two main reasons for this:

1. They feel selfish and this makes them feel guilty and
2. There is an assumption … Continue Reading

Loves: 34
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advice/  advice for Dommes/  sex toy review/  toys

Which strap-on harness?

79 Comments

I mentioned in this post that I have two strap-on harnesses. I’ve since had a few women ask me which they are and what I think of them, so I thought I’d write a post to talk about it.

Firstly, I have to stress that I am not some sort of pegging ‘expert’: I have no special knowledge or insight, and I really haven’t tried a lot of harnesses. I’m just sharing my experience in case it’s useful, and I’m hoping you will share yours also.

When I first wanted to try a strap-on, I had a single aim with … Continue Reading

Loves: 5
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advice/  advice for Dommes/  How To Femdom Series

When your submissive says ‘no’

102 Comments

© Dec 2019 update: New guide available now: How To Handle Disobedience

A blog post by Die Starke Frau prompted me to write this response because I see in her writing a struggle that a lot of new Dommes have: What do you do when your submissive disobeys?

She said:

One thing that definitely throws me off balance is when the man is refusing to submit. When I develop an idea of what to do with him and how to fuck with his mind, and if then, out of the blue, the man does not obey.

Note: I am not talking about playful disobedience here. I am talking about a serious refusal.

… Continue Reading
Loves: 32
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advice/  advice for Dommes/  musing

Real Dommes don’t…

18 Comments

I am recycling my own words for this post. I do that you know, because I am lazy (if you had read my ‘About Me‘ secret confessions, you would know this already…).

___

Stabbity wrote a great post here about how ‘real Dommes don’t have sex’, which prompted me to comment thusly:

You kind of touched on this, but didn’t QUITE hit it in the heart. Some Dommes fear losing control when they come, because, you know, Dommes must always be in complete control, cold, steely eyed, blah blah etc.

So, what that thought boils down to is … Continue Reading

Loves: 2
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