This is my response in a discussion on fetlife.com about whether women come into their dominance later than men, and if so, why that might be. It explains from my personal perspective how I struggled some with getting what I wanted when I was young, so I thought it worth posting here.
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From my perspective as a young woman out in the world, I was never free to exercise any sexual initiative in the way I wanted. So I stifled it.
What I mean by that is that in NO environment was I safe or encouraged to behave in the way I wanted (predatory, aggressive, running the fuck) with men.
Why?
Because men COULD NOT FOLLOW.
As soon as I showed the slightest interest in any man, I was put on the defensive by THEIR aggressive behaviour and there was no way to manage that except to step back and become the gatekeeper.
So. Fucking. Tedious!
What I WANTED was to pursue and catch and lead and play and have sensuality and intense experiences, and I literally NEVER got the chance to do it because if I showed even an inkling of interest, men became steamrollers with grabby hands, and I became the ‘woah, wait, what?’ person.
In that environment (i.e. everywhere) women who might want to explore really don’t get the chance until they work out how to manage it.
I had never heard of D/s or BDSM (and didn’t until I was 30 or so), but before I had, probably in my mid 20s, I managed to figure out how to get what I wanted. It wasn’t difficult: It meant not accepting less than I wanted.
That simple mindset meant I dumped men who wouldn’t behave in a way I liked (i.e. most of them, and honestly rejecting ‘most men’ makes you think there is something wrong with you), and attracted men who were all about “You want what now? How? Like this? Yeah, I’m good with that…” But those men are hard to find, so there was still no real freedom of expression there.
TL;DR: It takes some experience and experimentation and figuring shit out to navigate the social interactions that are considered ‘normal’, and for most women, that means a few years of fucking about going “WTF is going on here?! Why isn’t this working? Why can’t I get what I want?” and then gaining the confidence to go “Fuck that!” and make their own path.
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I was lucky in all of that. I never really struggled in the way that I see a lot of young dominant women (and submissive men) struggle with ‘who they are’. I just floundered around for a while being frustrated and having unhappy relationships like most young people while they figure out what works and what doesn’t. I didn’t think that I was really so special or different in that, and I didn’t think that what I wanted was all ‘out there’ and strange.
I think that more openness, evolving ideas, the internet, and mainstream exposure to alternative sexualities is making that exploration easier for young women and that means that the point of ‘fuck that-ing’ will occur earlier. I think we will eventually get to the point where no ‘fuck that’ will even be necessary: a point where sexuality and relationship types will be broad and fluid and a whole swathe of things that aren’t considered ‘normal’ now will become simply an option in the range of what’s considered ‘normal’. Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part.
10 comments
I liked these thoughts, and found myself agreeing. It wasn’t until I found my husband that I trusted enough in my own sexuality and trusted another enough that I could demand what it was that I wanted. Having partners in the past look at me like I was strange, having even therapists question my own sexual desires, made me feel odd.
I needed to be comfortable with myself, confident enough to say “fuck it, this is what I want”.
I also hope that society becomes more informed and open minded, so that sexual desires aren’t as tampered down (on females especially).
I can totally relate.
I fell in love with the first (vanilla) man who ‘got me’. Like you with your husband, he was the first man I felt *safe* enough with to openly express what I wanted, and who responded to that in a way that worked for me. Amazing. It was a revelation for me.
“I needed to be comfortable with myself, confident enough to say “fuck it, this is what I want”.”
YES! That same man was the first man who ever made me come the first time we had sex. *Because* I felt safe enough with him to shut up that internal voice that interfered with me getting what I wanted (“Fuck it, this is what I want!”), and I trusted him to be good with it.
Ferns
I loved this post. Just as in an existing relationship, one must make room to allow a partner to blossom and grow. It took me twenty hard years to learn that lesson (with all due credit to you and your wonderful blog), but I think younger generations won’t have to wait so long.
As you know, men of our generation were not taught to follow. Popular culture in the 80’s encouraged men to take the lead and be aggressive. And it often stigmatized those who didn’t fit the mold. But I don’t think its wishful thinking to believe that today’s young women are growing up in a different environment.
My community is hardly progressive, but young women I know show a degree of confidence and independence that was not present in my day. She doesn’t wait to be asked. She chooses her man, pursues him, sets the boundaries of the relationship, and moves on promptly if she doesn’t get what she wants. She has a sweatshirt emblazoned with the words “I’m difficult” on it and wears it like a badge of honor.
I’m not suggesting that this young lady is kinky or even really knows what that means. But she knows how to lead, she knows how to get what she wants, and she’s not the slightest bit ashamed of it. It seems to just come naturally to her. So yes, I think society has become far more open minded and accepting of women who choose to lead and that things will be far easier for those who want to express dominance in a relationship.
-L
I really hope you’re right.
I’m not sure I believe it, but I REALLY hope you’re right.
Ferns
Would it be different now? I mean with higher visibility of BDSM and Alt lifestyles?
I really don’t know if the higher visibility actually leads to more genuine openness to, and acceptance of, different styles of relationship or if it just leads to more acceptance of kinky bedroom games (which, let’s face it, for women really isn’t all that big of a leap forward).
I’m going to be hopeful about it though!
Ferns
You said:
“I had never heard of D/s or BDSM (and didn’t until I was 30 or so), but before I had, probably in my mid 20s, I managed to figure out how to get what I wanted. It wasn’t difficult: It meant not accepting less than I wanted.”
I was wondering whether had you heard of BDSM or FLR in your early 20s, you would have had a clearer idea of your nature and what you needed.
As it’s generally presented now, I’d not have related to it at all (which I think is a lot of young women’s experience, and that’s where my previous comment came from). So even if it was put in front of me, I imagine I’d have been going ‘What? No, not relevant’.
The form of it would have to be so radically different from what it is now that I can’t even imagine what it would look like.
What might have helped me is if a truly wide range of non-stereotypical working and happy *relationships* were visible as valid choices. Role models of relationships. Then yes, I think that would have helped.
Ferns
So, if you had seen FLR as opposed to Femdom as an option…?
> As it’s generally presented now, I’d not have related to it at all (which I think is a lot of young women’s experience, and that’s where my previous comment came from)
Hence my books and blogs. The Femdom ideal is about as realistic as a dodgy manga cartoon.