Contrary to Tom’s spurious claims, he fits in here nicely (‘here’ being not only ‘in the world’ in a general sense, but ‘here’ in the ‘happy femdom stories’ sense and most assuredly ‘here’ in the ‘I have loved your blog for a long time, Tom, and am always delighted to read your thoughts even though you are a cheeky buggar who somehow thinks that virtually refusing to be my designated driver means something, and we’ll just see about that when Mrs Edge and I feel like having a few drinks, shall we?’ sense…).
Thank you, Tom, for sharing your wonderful story.
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Author: Tom Allen
I’m not sure why Ferns asked me to contribute here, since
a) my wife, Mrs. Edge, does not self-identify as dominant,
b) I don’t self-identify as submissive,
c) doesn’t Ms. Ferns realize that my blog is called “The Edge of Vanilla“? and
d) our story is not consistently “happy.”
But since there are elements of bondage, enforced chastity, long-term orgasm denial, not to mention arousal, passion, and a lack of fetish wear, then it probably sneaks in under the wire.
Mrs. Edge and I met through a mutual friend years ago (okay, she’s used to date a buddy of mine who was a bit of a dick). She heard that I had ended my short but unbelievably bad first starter marriage, and stopped by my work one evening to say hi. We dated for a while, and I was pleasantly surprised to discover that she had a kinky streak. We got married, got overly involved with our jobs, and our intimate lives – not to mention the kinky sexy times – seemed to evaporate. The situation wouldn’t resolve, and we separated for a while.
Now I feel badly because Ms. Ferns suddenly realized that this wasn’t the happy story she thought she was getting.
During one of our talks about our lack of intimate life, I gave her the book “When Someone You Love is Kinky” and suggested that she read it before we talk any further. She did, and we tried to find some common ground. I was disappointed that the less vanilla aspects of our relationship had pretty much entirely disappeared, and she no longer had any interest in bondage, etc. We switched a bit in the early days, but eventually discovered that she wasn’t comfortable being restrained. So, what was left?
She mentioned that she used to enjoy it when she got to lock me into the chastity devices that I would make in the shop; stainless steel and leather contraptions that I was constantly modifying. We didn’t lay long term, but she enjoyed my response when I was “caged” in them.
Okay, that was a starting point. As it happened, I had already bought one of the early CB3000 devices; I’d had it for a few months and had already had a chance to modify it for daily use. I mentioned the idea to her. “You’ve got to get one of those!” she said. I explained that I already had one back at my apartment. The next day she had me bring it over and model it. She loved the clear plastic, the sleek shape, and especially how I filled the tube when she made me aroused. We started experimenting, but unfortunately, we hadn’t really resolved some of our interpersonal issues, so it didn’t end as well as it could have.
It took almost another year before we were in a position — intimately and personally — where we could try this again. This time around went much better for us, and this is one of the reasons that I stress (seemingly over and over) that chastity devices are not magical; they will not fix your relationship. You really need to be grounded, and have a relationship in which you are already communicating well, and are able to understand each other before you wander into the minefields of denial.
In order to alleviate the stress upon Ms. Ferns, I can now tell you that there is a happy ending to this.
Mrs. Edge, with a bit of experimenting, has been able to find a balance between “cruel chastity mistress” and “over-scheduled suburban mom,” and in a way that keeps the both of us fairly satisfied. Neither of us want me locked up full time, although when she wants it and when I want it don’t always coincide. She still doesn’t have any desire to don leather fetish gear, and because she still does not self-identify as dominant, she feels silly engaging in any role play. This is somewhat amusing when you consider that she kinks very hard on denying my orgasms for weeks or months, and having me use a strap-on or a cock sheath in order to give her what she wants while increasing my frustration. That said, she does understand that once in a while it’s nice to give me a little “treat” by indulging some of my own little fantasies. Well, not the ones involving power tools. And not the ones involving her sister. Oh, and not the ones involving… well, let’s just say that it took a while, but we’ve learned to use this little kink to enhance our intimate lives.
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This post is part of a project to share happy, positive femdom relationship stories. If you have a story and are willing to share it, please email it to me (ferns at domme-chronicles dot com).
26 comments
Considering the fact that Tom more than once suggested to get rid of words like “dominant” and “submissive”, and according to his testimony, is not living in a femdom situation, his story maybe (partly) called a happy one, but no matter the way it's interpreted by others, it is not a femdom one.
To be clear, this doesn’t mean i would label the previous contributions femdom. But that's a different story :|
Ayesha: “…his story maybe (partly) called a happy one, but no matter the way it's interpreted by others, it is not a femdom one.”
As Tom said clearly up-front, in many ways he would agree with you, but I harassed him mercilessly until he agreed to contribute.
Many people have very narrow/different/hard fought/wildly defended definitions of what 'femdom' is and they are welcome to them, but that's part of the point here. There is no 'one way' and I am *grandly* (with much swishy arm waving and lofty ideals of happiness sharing) embracing and welcoming a wide variety of stories because *they all count*!
Ferns
Yes i picked up that “no one way” thingy, as the thing to go by nowadays. But like i commented elsewhere today: “To each their own? Well maybe. But still, tofu is not meat!”
I never thought of fantasies with power tools.
Suddenly surprise Mrs. Edge with a pad sander.
But take the sand paper out first.
Satan
I enjoyed this.
I think more 'vanilla' marriages and relationships would be saved/salvaged if kinks were indulged/experimented with.
While sex and kink are not fix-all's…many a relationship dies because of boredom that turns into disdain.
If I were a marriage counselor, I would totally recommend various kinks to…well…everyone…lol
-MistressKimm
Hey, it's my turn!
who somehow thinks that virtually refusing to be my designated driver means something, and we'll just see about that when Mrs Edge and I feel like having a few drinks, shall we?
Okay, okay, okay. Having been on wine trips with Mrs. Edge, there's no question that the two of you would be in the back seat gabbling on about… whatever the hell it is that women gabble on about, and one of us – namely me – really would have to be the designated chauffeur. Sheesh!
Considering the fact that Tom more than once suggested to get rid of words like “dominant” and “submissive”, and according to his testimony, is not living in a femdom situation, his story maybe (partly) called a happy one, but no matter the way it's interpreted by others, it is not a femdom one.
Ayesha, my conception of eliminating the terms “dom” and “sub” is not anti-femdom; rather, it's a concept aimed at trying to describe a new paradigm.
And while I agree that Mrs. Edge and I are not living a D/s lifestyle, for some reason many of the elements that we enjoy seem to be
equated with or at least, related to D/s or female domination. Or at least, the practice that you refer to as vanilla pudding femdom. Or something.
If I were a marriage counselor, I would totally recommend various kinks to…well…everyone…lol
MsKimm – While I see the humor in this, the problem is that there are so very many human variables that affect our sexuality, that such advice is difficult to quantify.
That said, the sad part – what most people don't realize – is that that much of the “boredom” comes from a loss of emotional, rather than sexual intimacy. In the several episodes in my own marriage where things weren't working well, the emotional intimacy was the trigger that caused the sexual intimacy to fizzle. Yes, some kinkiness may raise a spark, but if you don't have the emotional underpinnings – the kindling, if you will – then all the fetish gear in the world won't make a difference.
Tom-
I wasn't referring to fetish gear. In my 20-year marriage (failed), I found that the emotional intimacy started to fall apart for many reasons. It wasn't everything, but ONE of the reasons was that I was changing sexually. What did it for me changed and became kinky. When you are not satisfied or loved in a way that you appreciate….you feel a disconnect. Opening up about desires brings that intimacy back. And in my case, D/s was something I discovered that made me feel 'loved'. The power exchange relationship not only makes me happy, makes me feel connected to my partner, makes me feel loved in a way that is real – but it also turns me on sexually. Hence – plenty of emotional as well as sexual intimacy.
For example – in my first marriage I wanted oral sex regularly, but he wasnt that into it. Therefore, I felt he was a selfish prick (emotional disconnect as well as sexual).
Another example- when you have opened up about desires that are out of the ordinary, it becomes easier to be open about other parts of the relationship. How hard is it to say that you need some attention or are bored after you've admitted that secret desire to have a giant dildo shoved up your arss while being called filthy names?
I could probably go on about this subject for hours, but will stop now.
Luckily – I am not a trained counselor….I only think I should be. ;)
“emotional intimacy”? That's what i wanted to hear. Even vanilla femdom can't do without it. In its extreme form it's what i've called, the singularity.
Eliminate these silly words Tom. To hell with “dom” and “sub”. As i mentioned elsewhere, in the Dutch language “dom” stands for “stupid”, and “sub”…..well….um…..something low, inferior, somewhere hiding under. In femdom circles this should be considered stupid as well.
Tom Allen: “…one of us – namely me – really would have to be the designated chauffeur.”
*smirk* Well, of course.
Ferns
Ayesha “singularity”
I lick her vagina the way I would want my vagina licked, if I had one.
Then in my imagination I am her. And she is her.
So we are her.
Is that what you mean? Is that a sort of singularity?
It is not like that if we 69. Then I can’t take my mind off me.
Satan
@Satan –
Google and Wikipedia really aren't that difficult to find. I just AltaVista'd it.
Singularity
Tom. “Singularity” I’d just like to learn what Ayesha means here. She means, maybe, just very close and loving. This is a serious point. And you Tom are kidding me, cheeky bugger.
Satan
Read the scriptures Satan, especially mine, and maybe u will discover and feel what i mean when i talk about the singularity within the realm of feminine femdom.
I know, this will not be an easy task for fallen angels and other vanilla femdom aficionados, but here's a hint: It's close to when icebergs start to burn.
Thanks Ayesha,
Well I guess the best way to learn that stuff is to live it. It’s great to talk with you here. But I do not even know if I’ll meet a true feminine femdom woman.
To me there’s always some give and take on both sides. For instance, as in Tom’s story here. What if you Ayesha, need to adapt to make someone happy?
Satan
Happy? Another empty and meaningless word. But if u mean “feel good”, rest assured Satan that the ones i allow to be with me will feel even beyond good, without any need for me to adapt to anything.
Thinking of “give and take” in the classical/vanilla sense of working toward and finding some kind of compromise makes me puke, as it means that nobody will get what they originally were after, and thus will settle for less, while i want to get from my encounters with men and women, being them slaves or dominas, even more than i expected. My partners should have that same point of view, cos then, and only then, will the road to the singularity be open.
Ok but don’t forget in the first place you wanted to stay in the womb. Being born was just your first compromise.
Satan
Is this yet another serious point of urs Sir Satan? Yes? Good. Listen up now. My mom had to fight to keep me in a bit longer. And she lost. I propelled out on my terms. U don't believe that? Get a visa to visit Heaven, and ask her urself.
I lost my Mom. I didn’t know you lost yours. I am sorry. I just mean there are also some times when it is good to compromise.
Satan
I didn't lose her. Not at home, not in the supermarket, not even when the two of us made a trip to Antarctica. She just died one day and went to Heaven. Well, that's where she said she was going to.
It's never good to compromise. Try changing it to accommodate. Then possibly i could agree with u.
Thanks Ayesha,
We need to accommodate. Maths has to do with the perfect point, line, triangle, square, and circle. Of course no one has ever drawn even one of these absolutely perfectly. Not with a pen or computer. We have to fudge (I mean accommodate) this short coming.
Or if an artist tried to paint every leaf on every tree in a landscape it would spoil the painting. He would need to give in and find a short cut to give a blurred idea of leaves and make do with that.
If every note on a piano was tuned too exactly the piano would sound awful. The piano tuner has to make allowance to get it to sound right.
When it comes to folk there we have all kinds of mood swings and what not.
I see what you say. And I think I see what you said before.
Ok the slave feels good since he serves the domina. The domina feels good since the slave serves her. Both feel good. In partnership they want to feel good beyond what they expect. So this opens the road to the singularity.
Satan
“I see what you say. And I think I see what you said before.”? Apparently not. Here r 2 examples:
– “We need to accommodate.” No, there's no NEED at all for that. It's more, like u said urself b4, that at SOME TIMES it's ok to accommodate the other(s).
– “….serves the domina”? U should have picked up from me by now, that as soon as a slave starts serving me, or even runs around with that idea in his head, he will be dismissed by me on the spot!
Ayesha,
It is great to talk with you. Then if I get things wrong, I like someone to let me know. You do let me know. So thanks for that too.
Till next time,
Satan
Tom,
Thanks. Oh and don’t dare stop kidding us.
@Satan –
Never thought Ayesha would show up here.
And the misuse of the term “singularity” is rather amusing.
Clarence
The single fact that Clarence Anonymouse never had that thought and suddenly found himself in a state of amusement, can only be explained by an unexpected manifestation of an extraordinary singularity.