The move went smoothly, my new place was clear of mess and liveable by the end of the first day (a promise I made to myself because clutter stresses me out and I did NOT want to wake up to stacks of boxes everywhere the following morning).

Though by ‘liveable’ I don’t mean that everything was all done and dusted. I’m not magic!

I mean that I had Carl (my coffee machine) ready to go for the morning (along with coffee, mug, milk, sugar: priority 1!), the kitchen was unpacked, the fridge had food in it, the living and dining … Continue Reading

So I’ve mentioned my unstable living situation a few times now, so it’s no surprise that I’m moving.

Packing doesn’t seem like such a big thing. It’s a vague ‘I hate packing’ thing until you are in it.

It’s not the big things that are painful: Empty contents of wardrobe into a box, there, done.

It’s the millions of little things that make it such a daunting task.

That and the overwhelming urge to do a pre-move cleanout, which has me rifling through cupboards, running to the charity shop, posting things on ebay, and crying over photos of my dead … Continue Reading

We are all scared, I said.

I know but I’m really scared.

Of what?

Everything. I’m scared of everything.

Well cut that shit out. A short laugh. Not unkind.

I can’t.

You can. Pick them out one at a time, those fears. A small one first. Take out your sword and your shield and brandish them like a warrior in full flight. Run at it hard. Like your life depends on it. When you get closer you’ll see: it’s not so big. Then pick the next one. Fight those battles.

I can’t.

You can. Here, take my sword. It is … Continue Reading

I’m tired of expecting people to do the right thing.

Even more, I’m tired of feeling like I can’t expect them to do the right thing.

It’s utterly exhausting and depressing to expect the worst of people.

I don’t want to. Truly I don’t. And I try really hard to keep it at bay, to hang onto that smiling wide-eyed optimism that I used to have in droves.

I think it makes me an uglier person when I let it in, that bone-wearying cynicism. It makes me feel like a lesser person, a weaker person. Walking around in the world … Continue Reading