Given I’m kind of paralysed with my writing here on the blog at the moment (bah!), I’ve decided to kick myself up the arse and start a new project.
I’m going to write a series of short, sharp ‘How To’ guides for new dominants and submissives based on questions I see in my Q&A repeatedly.
I think many questions that newbies have are universally common, and it would be great to have easily accessible resources that address them. I have already written about some of these (obviously, because many came in as Q&As), but the content is often piecemeal and it is quickly lost in the depths of all of the posts here.
The guides will be short, light, and friendly, and will offer easy-to-follow practical tips.
Not ‘you must’ or ‘you should’ (because fuck that noise!), but some practical steps aimed at anyone going ‘HALP WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?!’ The objective is to give new folks a hand to get off the starting blocks, not necessarily to walk them through all the nuanced complexities of ALL THE THINGS.
The fabulously talented Submissive Guy Comics has kindly given me permission me to use his art for the series covers (thank you so much!). I’ve created some light colourful cover designs around them that reflect my intent.
So far I have the following topic ideas:
- How to write a profile (for submissives)
- How to approach a dominant woman online (for submissives)
- How to stay safe when meeting (for both dominants and submissives)
- How to make your first scene amazing (for dominants)
- How to figure out what sort of D/s relationship you want (for both)
- How to deal when your submissive says ‘no’ (for dominants)
You see the sort of thing I mean.
What I would love from you, dear readers, is to hear more topic ideas. No doubt some will be outside of my experience, but if I have knowledge to share on the topic, I’ll add it to the list.
If you are experienced on either side of the slash, what sort of questions do you get all the time from newbies?
If you are new, what topics do you wish you could have had practical advice about early on?
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44 comments
Brilliant!
Thank you! I hope so :).
Ferns
Something like “So you want to know more?” With synopsis of other resources such as Rika.
That’s a great idea, though frankly, I don’t have a big list of relevant resources that I can happily recommend :/. But I will have a think about it.
Ferns
Sub drop and Dom drop?
Ooh, good one, yes. Thank you.
Ferns
I don’t have any suggestions but I’m excited to read them!
Thanks for the encouragement!
Ferns
I wish this were Reddit so I could give you all the upvotes!
*laugh* You can click on the star up there and give me ‘likes’. They do fuck-all, but I get some warm fuzzies, so there’s that…
Ferns
Fun thing under 2 seconds for very busy people. That’s what we have to resort to. Wish I have more time to write them down.
Ooh. Yes, I think I can do something with that *adds it to the list*. Thank you.
Ferns
It’s ok to be a Sadist might be a good title, lots of folks suffer unnecessarily angst over the fact they like hurting people.
Coug
Thumbs up! I approve! :)
I approve of this venture!
Just a boring question from me though I’m afraid… are these going to be ebooks or do we get the ol’ dead tree version?
@Maso Jay: At this stage just e-books. They will be tiny little booklets, so I doubt anyone would want the printed version.
Maybe if they work out, I will do a printed ‘omnibus’ at some stage, but I’m not promising anything.
Ferns
Sounds v interesting anyway Ferns!
@Coug: *nod* Yes. Good one, thank you.
Ferns
How about,
“What are warning signs (“red flags”) for submissive men?”
and
“What are warning signs (“red flags”) for Dominant women?”
Good topic, thank you!
Side note: My goodness it’s annoying how ‘red flag’ has become a catchall for ‘not compatible’.
Person A: “They don’t communicate as often as I like :(”
The masses: “RED FLAG!”
Silliness!
Ferns
Sounds absolutely amazing! Perhaps something about how to continue being dominant when you are apart for an extended period of time?
Thank you! I’m glad you like the idea.
Ooh, LDR challenges: that’s a big topic right there. I’ll have a think about how I can whittle that down into a short, sharp guide.
Ferns
This is a wonderful idea Ferns! ;-)
I think a big help for a female dominant would be: “How to take a new submissive from fantasy to realty and still keep the magic.”
Something I continually run up against when the sub is all ‘wide eyed’ and filled with
online images. LOL
~ Vista
Thanks!
Actually that’s a great idea for BOTH sides. As much as many men carry around unrealistic fetish based fantasies, I know many new dominant women ALSO carry around unrealistic fantasies of ‘how it will be’ (100% devotion! worship! adoration! based on nothing more than ‘because I’m the dominant!’) that will never be born out in reality. Good topic, thank you.
Ferns
Love this! Ironically, my wife who’s brand new to the dynamic is asking me where she can get information about how femdom should work in practice. She’s finding it hard to access real examples to get a feel for how the concepts play out.
I’m glad you like the idea!
What sort of information is your wife after? This is exactly the input I’d love to have for this project.
Ferns
Nice Idea!! I can think of a few potential subject areas that might be worth including:
Letting yourself be vulnerable
Communicating 101
How to communicate without topping from the bottom
How to navigate being submissive with the rest of your life
Cheers!
greg
These subjects seem very advanced.
I need something more basic, like “how to ask that lady from accounts – who always rejects my travel claims and glowers at me – for a McDonalds”.
I wish the lady at accounts would glower at me! :p
Be careful what you wish for! It’s a trap!
No sooner do you open up to her – and her sexy glower – about speed limits, fuel efficiency and engine sizes, then you find the crop of harsh administration against your buttocks.
And as fun as that sounds, it doesn’t necessarily lead to romance. :(
Thanks but that’s OK! It’s not a romance thing… I’m a masochist who gets a deep joy out of ‘casual Femdom’! :) It makes a ‘bad’ thing good & brightens up my day.
@greg: Thank you so much.
I’ll have a think about what I can do with those topics.
I want to keep these very specific and some topics CAN be very broad: the broader topics are absolutely worth covering, but that’s not really what I want to do here, even if the topic is important. For example, I can’t see doing ‘communication 101’: there are plenty of resources out there about general communication. I’d prefer to do ‘how to do X’ and include in that specific guide ‘how to communicate about X’ to keep the guides very focused.
I suspect that when I get a few under my belt, I will want to restructure them all into a format that includes, say, a ‘communication’ section (but honestly, I can’t get too bogged down in that or I will get analysis paralysis *laugh*).
Thank you for making me think about this.
Ferns
Obviously McDonalds is not going to do it: she already knows how much money you spend on ‘posh dinners for one and your best bottle of wine!’ while out on the road.
Ferns
So ….
…I need to go the extra mile and make her a slightly soggy cucumber and cheese sandwich, and serve it to her with fizzy Cava in a dual carriageway lay-by?
I feel the romance evaporating like mist ‘neath the sun’s unflinching gaze. :(
If you are new, what topics do you wish you could have had practical advice about early on?
Just a few suggestions…
How to return the balance after a disagreement, distance, etc
How to approach defining limits (sub to Dom/Domme)
and how to properly hide the body without getting caught when things don’t work out :P just kidding! hehe I’m tired I’ll think of more after sleep
Respectfully,
Mysticlez
Bahahaha! The ‘how to hide the body’ one will be a secret cult one, only available to the select few *taps the side of my nose*.
Good topic ideas, thank you.
Ferns
Good idea! Maybe… How to initiate play with your dominant, without simply asking and without bratting/acting up (for submissives).
Thanks!
When you say ‘without simply asking’, I assume you mean some kind of more subtle seduction technique for submissives: Interesting. I like the topic idea, though I think ‘asking’ would have to be in any ‘how to initiate play’ guide. I know a lot of people hate the idea of someone non-verbally ‘seducing’ another person into play because they think it’s manipulative, but I love it. LOVE! Thank you for the idea.
Ferns
Hi!
I’m over on Reddit and I’ve been online for about a year and starting to explore in real life for about 6 months now. Subby guy. In addition to Rika’s 2 novels I’d also spread the word about At Her Feet by TammyJo and Fox. Its really an under-served area to begin with and msub POV is almost nonexistent.
Things I’d include:
How porn gets femdom wrong, both by focused just on the guy’s orgasm and how the…mean-spirited nature of most of it isn’t what real life usually is and guys who don’t necessarily like that don’t have to be that anymore then gentler Dommes do.
Asking for your own pleasure is a non-demanding way or having suggestions or limits is not disrespectful or topping from the bottom. Making a scene amazing for the other person is something both parties should strive for.
Other ways of making a woman happy and submitting besides humiliation/heavy pain play/chastity/depriving the guy of pleasure. Wanting to be mutually orgasmic is just as valid if that’s more fun for you.
Acting like any Domme you see is a fetish machine is the wrong thing to do as a guy/just because a Domme may see a lot of such guys doesn’t mean all guys are like that. Guys looking for a deeper submission may take longer/have a harder time approaching/trusting you. The double-standard of subbing applies even to the kink community is some ways.
This 1 might be difficult as a woman writer but…you are not weak or less of a man for wanting to submit. Better a happy, consensual pussy-whipped guy then a toxic macho jerk.
Expand on the difference between scene/bedroom/sexual subbing vs. more service/FLR/daily Power Exchange.
Its better to meet people in real life rather then online for femdom due to fakes/ghosting/money scams/crude messages. Though that might be a bit controversial I personally stand by it.
Note of the fact that Dommes and msubs might both be hiding their orientations online due to harassment and/or judgement so its bet to get to know people as humans first then explore your true natures when trust is built.
Thanks so much for your thoughts Remus.
These are all really good points, thank you for them. I think most belong in wider ‘How To’ guides: For example something like ‘How to find a partner’ would include your last two points. I’ll have a think about them in a wider context and see where they fit.
(and I’ve just added Tammy Jo’s book to my book list so yay!)
Ferns
You’re welcome. Rika has a sequel in Uniquely Us though I agree with a lot of what you say also. Rewards can be a good motivator and use in recognition for a particularly difficult task actually sounds good to me; and could even be given to a Domme in certain circumstances. Say if she has really tough project at work but did it well, to celebrate her success I’d personally perhaps bring up exploring 1 of my soft limits for her as just an example.
Going the other way, I have a foot thing and would be grateful if a Domme rewarded me by painting her toenails a nice dark purple.
The theory that work life shouldn’t be effected by hone life is just that; a theory. Vanilla external factors will impact your Domme/sub time but you can use your roles to give each other something to look forward to when you do get time to enjoy each other how you both crave.
Feh. Home life. I need a life-editor. Ha!
Two from me :
1/ Fun session ideas for the bored dominatrix
2/ So you did pain, foot fetish and humiliation. What’s now?
I once kicked myself up the arse, but I was much younger and more limber then.