Reader Q&A: Femdom Podcast #97 – Dominant women struggle, turn-ons, limerence [Audio]

In this exciting instalment of the Q&A femdom podcast, I answer questions about the following:

• Getting my long term vanilla husband into BDSM
• Young domme has shitty experiences and I get fist-wavey about it
• Tasks?
• Turned on by wife’s pre-marriage affair
• Hot scene in Blade: unf!
• Discipline: what do you do?
• Limerence: how do you deal?

The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes, so you can subscribe to it if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it, though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…! It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Full transcript after the jump…

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Hello dear listener,

I think I normally say ‘dear reader’, but if you’re listening to this, you’re not reading it are you? Really.

Um… this is coming up on the back of a recent podcast already published, because, you know, I don’t do one for months and months and then I do two in a row because I’m… *laugh* so organised like that.

And I still don’t have any theme music. I really do need some theme music. Anyone want to find some uncopyrighted theme music for me, feel free to drop me a line. It’s gotta be just right though, you know.

Anyway let’s get to it.

The first one is from a woman who actually emailed me as well so we’ve already had this conversation but I’m going to put it out there for anybody else who might have a similar question. And plus she says nice things about me so there’s that…

I just read your book in one sitting. It brought tears to my eyes. I have been in a vanilla marriage for 22 years and I love my husband. I have always had fantasies of dominating but I thought they were just wrong and weird and left them for self-love only…but those are the best orgasms. They are now daily. The vanilla ones? Meh. Now I am facing an empty nest and an empty heart. I don’t want to cheat, but I WANT. Desperately. I want to restrain and spank and bite and…well, you know. It’s been consuming my thoughts. Do you have advice? I am so afraid to ask him. How do I know if he might let me be his Domme?

–C

Hello C,

I’m so glad you enjoyed my book and could relate to it: that’s so very lovely to hear and thank you so much for saying so.

I can empathise with your dilemma, I know it’s really hard when you’ve stifled yourself for so long, and when you’re with someone who you aren’t sure you can share yourself with. That’s really tough.

In my experience, most men are delighted by women taking initiative and playing sexy games. Obviously harder S & m stuff is a much bigger step along. Also because you’ve been married so long you have some long established habits with your husband, so it might be a bit tricky to overcome those as opposed to, say, it being a new relationship where everything is fresh.  Habits of behaviour, habits of communication and habits of relating are very hard to break out of.  But people do manage it. And frankly, it’s a lot easier for you to bring your husband along than it is for the seemingly gazillions of submissive men trying to bring their vanilla wives/girlfriends along to ‘be dominant’. I mean that’s a much bigger ask.

I’d absolutely approach it with him, but avoid using BDSM words because they’re scary (like dominant/submissive and even the word BDSM) because if you approach it that way the first thing someone is going to do is go and look it up on the internet and there’s a scary load of messy shit out there.

So, I’d start off light with fun and sexy stuff like light types of play, focus on those first. And talk about ‘the activities’ versus using the venacular around BDSM. Like ‘hey, I’d really like to tie you up and have my way with you, what do you think’ or ‘I really want to shove you around in bed, are you up for that?’ Then make it super hot and fun, hopefully for both of you and the best case is that he’ll be all gooey eyed with amazement that this is the woman he married, right? And that this is a thing you’re capable of. It’s fun sexytimes and I don’t know many men who don’t enjoy that.

If he’s adventurous and you get some light play off the ground, you can lead up to ‘sex slave for a day’ (or half a day or a couple of hours or something like that) where he has to do everything you say. I honestly don’t know any man whose eyes wouldn’t light up at the idea of being a ‘sex slave’. Treat him like the sexiest object you’ve ever seen, use him for your pleasure and have him do all the things that turn you on, and hopefully that will turn him on. And go from there.

I do think diving into ‘BDSM’ (I’m using airquotes there) and domination and submission is a step too far even though everyone always goes on and on about open and honest communication. I get it, I do. But when you lay this stuff on the table as a HUGE DEAL and a big package of ‘stuff’, it’s scary and people are resistant to things that are scary to them, which is understandable. And then you have to fight against all the images and stereotypes he will find if he googles it. There’s a whole mess of business that makes it all a very serious affair, so the more light hearted you can start out to get him interested, the better I think.

I hope that helps.

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Ferns,

I am hoping you can give me advice. I am a young (early 20s) dom woman [see, and people say they don’t exist: they exist, baby], and I don’t really know how to go about finding men who share my sexual interests and are also, well, nice to me [fucking hell (she didn’t write ‘fucking hell’, I just said ‘fucking hell’)]. Guys I talk to online often seem to want a very specific sort of fantasy-dominatrix experience that doesn’t really appeal to me, and are often much older to boot, and the men my age I’ve dated in real life have generally been really uncomfortable with their sexuality, in a way that leads them to sort of take it out on me outside of the bedroom–like, I’ve had so many guys get out in public with me and immediately start this macho posturing stuff that feels really humiliating to me. Or they’ve suggested that I’m, like, domineering and bitchy because of the things that I like and because I want people to actually treat me well.

I’m not super involved in my local kink community, so maybe I’m just not looking in the right places. But the times I’ve tried I’ve found the vast majority of people relating to me as “young and female and therefore obviously a sub,” and it’s been really alienating.

Probably there’s not an obvious solution to this, except maybe to get older, but at any rate, it’s nice to read your blog and hear that sometimes things do work out.

Thanks!

Ugh ugh ugh! And THIS folks, illustrates exactly why young and newbie dominant women are driven away from BDSM. For fuck’s sake! It makes me so angry.

I’m really sorry you’ve had these shitty experiences and I wish I could say it’s uncommon, but it’s not. And it’s angry-making. Ugh… just… ugh.

You face a lot of challenges as a young dominant woman and there’s no easy answer. You’ve obviously tried a few different things (online, real life, dating, all that sort of stuff) and part of the challenge you’re facing is because you are young and because you’re female: this presents an issues with older partners who will generally want to manipulate you into delivering their fetishes AND younger partners because they’re not comfortable with going against the norm just yet, a lot of them, AND within the BDSM community which is like some, I mean, it’s unfair to generalise but in a lot of communities, even if they’re trying their best there are the same assumption within the community as there are in society about women’s place. It’s like a whole big mess of no-win.

So all that to say: It’s not you.

If you live in or near a decent sized community, have a look on Fetlife (I assume you’re on there already) for a TNG (The New Generation) group. They tend to be a bunch of smart young people who gather together because they’ve struck problems in the community with the attitudes and the older crowd.

And even if there’s not a formal group, young people tend to hang out together so if you maybe reach out to people who seem to be actively doing things and talking about doing things, they might have informal rope meets or they might have just get together for a few drinks or coffee or going rock climbing or goodness knows what. So I think it’s worthwhile trying to reach out to those people in the community and see if you can find some people who, if they’re not a TNG group, are maybe an informal group.

Generally I find they’ve all had common experiences so they’ll not only be able to relate, but will probably be able to help as well. And if a young man is confident enough to get out into the community and be in those groups he has a strong grasp of reality because he knows these people and they’re his friends and all that sort of business and even if he’s still evolving, which a lot of young people are, of course, he’s probably not got all the insecurity that make him behave like a jerkface arsehole. And people in those younger groups really never have those ‘all females are subs hurr hurr’ thing that older men have (which is always wishful thinking on their part, right? And they can fuck off).

I really hope you find your people and I wish you luck with that.

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I was wondering if you could give me examples of some tasks I could use for my sub, since I am new to all of this. I’m just really stumped, and I couldn’t think of any tasks to give him.

I’m always a bit baffled by this type of question and it does come up a lot. I don’t give tasks ‘just because’ and if you’re looking for tasks to give him, it’s really just busywork.

Like, what’s the point?

I assume you’re doing it because he wants them and/or because you somehow think you ‘have to’ give him tasks. You don’t.

If there’s something you want from him, whether it’s something practical or something hot or something amusing or whatever, then have him do that. Because that’s awesome. And if he wants to serve you, that’s an actual service he’s providing for you to BE amusing and hot and useful.

If you’re doing it for him because he really wants them it just seems to me that you’re creating a situation where you’re pandering to him… not sure why I said ‘seems to me’, you ARE creating a situation where you’re pandering to him and you’re creating a bunch of work for yourself. You’re already stuck on trying to find tasks to give him, but then you have to monitor those tasks, you have to follow up if he doesn’t do it right, and you don’t even care about them, right?

So what you’re doing is creating a bunch of work for yourself and a bunch of fun for him. And that’s going to get old really fast.

I understand that despite all that, you might still want to do it. And if you do, make THAT his first task: “Come up with a list of tasks, boy.”

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Hi Ferns.

Love you and your blog [oh thank you so much].

I married my high school sweetheart. Although I have been successful in business, am a good father, etc, I have always felt I married over my head (she was the Homecoming Queen, etc.). I guess, truthfully, I have always felt there was a power exchange going on between us, and although I wouldn’t admit it for a long time to my alpha pretending self, I am submissive. Well, the reason for the ask is to see if a recent development makes any sense to you. One night about 6 month ago during hot sex my wife admits that she had an intense fling with a dominant tutor in college (before we married). I was sucker punched, jealous, mad, etc., but over time it has become a turn on.

I’m not into Hotwife type stuff, but there is something very powerful about the thought that she cheated on me and yet I am so P whipped by her I can’t resist her. It is like a demonstration of her sexual power. Does that make any sense? And even more there is something about the insecurity of an actual Dom (the tutor she cheated with) giving her something I have not that furthers this power dynamic. I am absolutely convinced she has been faithful during our marriage. Yet, not sure I want to admit the turn on as then I may open a Pandora’s Box.

Well first of all congratulations on being together so long with your childhood sweetheart: that’s great.

I think there are many possible reasons why her revelation was a turn on for you and I’m not really going to ruminate on them because only you know your own mind and I think that requires quite a bit of reflection on your part to see exactly where the turn-on is coming from.

I will say this though: the scenario you described was really easy to morph into something sexy because it’s gone and it’s not a risk for you or for her. It’s safe, you know what I mean? absolutely no threat to your relationship and it never was. So it’s a safe way to feel a bunch of feelings without risking anything. That’s a good thing. There’s nothing wrong with that. I think it’s great that you’ve spun it into this fantasy and now you have these feelings floating around.

The reason I put it that way is because I think you are right to be concerned about opening some Pandora’s Box by trying to ‘do’ something with these feelings, not least because most monogamous vanilla women will most likely feel devalued if they think that their partner might want to ‘share’ them somehow. Because culturally monogamy is a very strong force and part of monogamy is that jealousy and that sort of thing that you portray and it is a step very far from that to say you want to do something to stimulate that jealousy as a turn-on for you. Then it starts to get unsexy for her [a note: I’m not happy with my absolutism here, but I think you get the gist].

I think that if you have good communication, there are plenty of ways to explore this with her without going down some risky route. Like you could just talk about male-male-female fantasies and maybe she’d be willing to talk you through that while you’re having sex or in the lead up to sex or something like that in the bedroom.

As an aside, what you’re talking about really is emotional masochism. There’s some thing there with the cuckolding or hotwifing where if it’s female-driven it often IS about her sexual power but a lot of those fantasies are often male-driven, so it’s not about her sexual power, it’s about him getting off.

One of the things about fantasy talk, out of interest (I don’t think I ever talked about this on my blog) I used to do some elaborate, well not that elaborate, but kind of elaborate, sexy-talk with my last submissive where I’d describe him being locked in a box under the bed while I played with some other boy. And he hated it so much, it almost made him cry, he was really hurt by it, and it turned him on something terrible. That whole mess of conflict was huge for him. It was some serious emotional masochism. It was fascinating. And so hot. Strange and hot and amazing.

Anyway… there’s that…

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I don’t have the funds to by books but I am trying to understand the feelings that I have towards the dominant side. i have been a sub but with a certain partner – who wants the dominance from me I find myself wanting more of it. I just don’t understand the mental part and what and how to progress this feeling.

You don’t have to buy books, there are plenty of free resources around. I suggest you join Fetlife, read a lot of writing by experienced folks, read a lot of discussions, talk to people, if you are social-minded get out to your local community and talk to those people. The best input you can get is from a lot of different experienced people who have had different experiences.

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Hi there. Just found your site, really enjoying going through it. I am a submissive male who particularly enjoys a good, long over the knee spanking. When it comes to discipline, what are your favourite methods and which do you consider to be the most effective?

Hello there,

I’m glad you’re enjoying my blog *smile*.

Discipline, as in ‘consequences for transgressions’? I’m more likely to, say, get him to write me an essay explaining what happened and how he would avoid doing it again.

And the most effective strategy is to talk about it, figure out what went wrong, and put solutions in place to avoid it happening again.

I know: it’s not very sexy is it, but there you go.

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Ferns! I found your fantastic blog via the Blade clip on YouTube [ha ha, so hot], through which I reached your post of 4 May 2011 (I left a comment, I’m Masochistic Jacco) [oh, hello Jacco].

You share my sense of awe at this scene it seems, & I was wondering, is this solely because you identify with the villainess… or is the sight of the victim suffering heroically a turn on aside from that? Like, theoretically, that could be a loved one of yours getting pummeled by another woman, or even a man?

The reason I ask is because I had a girlfriend a few yrs back who’s hottest fantasy was for me to catch her in bed with another man, an proceed to have a raging fist fight with him as she crouched on the bed gazing on. (Not exactly in character for me, but anyway).

She wanted the upshot to be my victory. But secretly, I couldn’t help thinking it would be far hotter if he well n’ truly demolished me. So I’m snivelling. Bleeding. And she sees me destroyed.

Can you imagine identifying with the woman in my version of the fantasy? Or would this just not do it for you?

I’m so curious because as a heterosexual masichist, I’m puzzled that I like the idea of being beaten & humiliated in front of my sweetheart by a MAN. But it’s getting to be more of a preoccupation as time goes by! Yikes!

Ahh interesting. What I love about that clip is HIM, half naked and sweaty, all built and defiant and chained up, and the way he gets back up onto his knees after he’s smacked down. Unf. Hot. It’s hot!

So it’s not at all about the idea of him being beaten by, or you know, my submissive being beaten by someone else. If my submissive was huge and strong, I COULD see some appeal in a kind of ‘fight club’ type manly beat up/beat down but ONLY IF I KNEW HE WOULD WIN AND NOT BE BADLY HURT. Because otherwise I’d be too worried… It’s not hot, worry isn’t very hot.

So no, that’s not my thing.

I guess what you’re talking about is kind of a variation of the humiliation of cuckolding, really where you aren’t ‘man enough’ (in inverted commas) for your sweetheart, but instead of it being a sexual thing for you, you’ve gone to the physical, I guess because your a masochist, so there’s ‘not man enough’ coupled with the pain side I guess, the masochism in being beaten up, but you put them together into a whole scenario.

So I can see, you know, where that comes from.

I suspect it would be a lot less fun in real life than in the fantasy, for all of you, for everyone involved.

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Hello,

When you know a boy is experiencing a severe case of limerence (for you), do you nurture it a let it grow? Do you try stalling growth? Do you let it go and see if it grows on its own? Or would you like to rip it out by its roots and take it apart to see how the roots grow and work?

In this scenario, you have feelings for the boy. And in the next :)

How do you know that he is closing doors on you? What clues do you have? Do you let him or do you encourage him to keep them open or do you gently push the doors open, “come here, kitten. Come here, baby”

That’s an interesting question.

For those who aren’t familiar with the word:

limerence. /ˈlɪmɪrəns/ noun. 1. (psychol) a state of mind resulting from romantic attraction, characterized by feelings of euphoria, the desire to have one’s feelings reciprocated, etc.

an article in the Huffington post by a psychiatrist is much more detailed than the dictionary and describes it as:

“an involuntary interpersonal state that involves an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person” which sounds a lot less healthy than the first.

To answer the question, if I have feelings for him AND I have plans for us then I’m happy to encourage it and let it grow, because it’s lovely. And then we see where we can take it. It’s a shiny thing for the most part, like an intense version of New Relationship Energy (NRE) and I enjoy it very much. I don’t think it’s unhealthy despite the second description from that article that I just read out, and by all accounts it will settle down over time as the relationship develops.

On the other hand, feelings aren’t the only thing, right? If I have feelings for him, but the relationship isn’t going anywhere because REASONS, then I’m very aware that there’s going to be a price to pay for letting his limerence run wild and letting it grow, and he’s going to be the one paying the price, right?

So if that’s the case, I will try and ‘manage’ it some to avoid a fallout because the fallout can be really terrible, hurtful, awful. And that’s tricky because anyone under the spell of limerence doesn’t want to hear it. They will not care one bit about any fallout, even if they know it’s coming. And that puts me in the position of trying to manage it for both of us, and trying to decide how much is my responsibility.

Because there’s two schools of thought there. One is that NONE of it is my responsibility. If I’m upfront and honest, which I always am, then his feelings and his behaviour are his responsibility. But on the other hand, there is certainly a school of thought that it’s a cruelty to allow someone to get wrapped up, and get MORE wrapped up because of my behaviour, when I’m not taking it anywhere.

And I waver between those two.

Because I think it’s kind of patronising: If I’m honest and say ‘look, this relationship isn’t going anywhere because of these reasons’ and he chooses, then, his path, it’s pretty patronising for me to go ‘ooh no, you can’t choose that path, it’s no good for you’ like he’s a child.

Sooo yeah, it’s tricky.

And I pretty much always prod and poke at things to understand them, to see how they work. So I’d probably be doing that anyway, regardless of the scenario.

As for him closing doors on me, well, again it depends on what the relationship is, what the relationship plan is.

If we’re heading into a relationship and he starts to close doors, then we have some issues and we need to sort them out.

If he’s closing doors and the relationship is not tenable for some reason, and eventually he WILL start closing doors on me, and he should, either to protect himself or because he’s drifting away, then I will let him. I’ll encourage it even, because I think he should be doing that. I think it’s healthy. Even if I have feelings for him, it’s unfair to keep him in my thrall when I’m not taking it anywhere. So while I don’t take responsibility for HIS feelings, I take responsibility for my behaviours. And while being the object of that kind of intensity is hugely seductive, I’m not that arsehole who’s going to encourage it when I’m not taking it anywhere.

How do I know he’s closing doors? I feel it, you know. I think you develop ways of relating and you develop ways of seeing into people and feeling people and I think if someone starts closing doors on you, regardless of the situation, you FEEL it. The subtle changes, and I don’t think they’re really tangible. Just a slight kind of lowering of the temperature if you know what I mean.

That was a tricky question, thank you for it.

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Alright, that’s the end of this podcast. Thank you for sticking with me, and I will probably do another one… in a few months *smile* because… that’s how unreliable I am.

If you want to ask me a question, come over the blog and there’s an Ask Me page and you can click it and it’s anonymous and I will not know it’s you. So come on over, and I’ll speak to you next time.

[Theme music (there is no theme music *sob*)]