Reader Q&A: Femdom Podcast #100 [Audio]

Welcome to a new femdom podcast (which I have arbitrarily numbered so that I can number them going forward and don’t have to keep thinking up original titles each time :P).

Topics include the following:

• Various sweetnesses (thank you!)
• How to start an online relationships initiated by a sub
• Concerns about particular fetishes (is it ok?)
• What do you think/like about collaring/collars/leashes/kneeling boys?
• Trying to find sexual chat online
• Figuring out if someone online is real
• Why is trust important in BDSM?
• Where do I find a boy?
• Submissive in unstable poly situation: What to do?
• Being dominant when health issues interfere
• My new girlfriend is a pro-Domme: Help!
• New dominant wanting to be stricter
• And more!

The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes, so you can subscribe to it if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it (though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…!). It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Full transcript after the jump.

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Hello Dear Listener, and welcome to another long awaited [said laughingly] episode of my podcast. It’s Sharyn Ferns from www.domme-chronicles.com in case you came not via my blog, which is unfathomable to me, but I realize that people do. So I have a blog, you should go read it. It’s great! [laughter]

Not that I’m self-promoting or anything or that I’m biased.

Um, I have a lot of questions, as I always do, because I do these so infrequently. So I’m going to get straight through them and I have just invited people on Twitter to ask me some last minute questions, so if there’s a million of those coming in I do apologize in advance that I might not get to them.

So, the first one is from way back when. I’m not even going to say when it was from. The person who’s asked it has no doubt forgotten.

 

01:01

Ferns,

As you darn well already know, you have the best blog on the internet, as indicated by the fact that it has generated more clicks by one SSS (who himself comprises a highly desirable demographic of one). And, of course, you’re a babe, [laughter] both physically and audibly. Therefore, I request that you create another audio designed as a counterpart to your baby audio. But, instead, say contemplate the use and meaning of “boy”. That is my request.

 

Well, boy. [laugh] I’m not going to do that. [laughter]

But I do appreciate you asking, and I will put a link to my baby post, in which I do believe I was a bit drunk, in the transcript of this audio. [https://dcstaging.dreamhosters.com/2014/12/baby-audio]

 

Hi, I am a woman who has primarily subbed all of my life and I’ve recently met a man online who doesn’t know that and would like me to be a domme in a long distance relationship, meeting up every now and then. However, he wants nothing sexual from it. He wants to be forced to be my slave, do chores and errands for me and worked like a dog, and punished if he does anything incorrectly. How do I begin this relationship online? I would love to try that side, I just don’t know how!

 

These type of question come up a lot. And my first instinct is always to say to the woman involved, “What’s in this for you?” Because the way it always comes across is “I’ve met a dude who wants to be my slave (and it’s always a slave) and he wants x, y, and zed, how do I do that? Which, to me, is kind of the wrong question. The question is more: What do I get out of that? What do I want from this relationship? Versus how do I do what he wants? There is nothing at all wrong with doing what someone wants. At all. But, it… kind of turns around what the relationship is. If that’s your thing, enjoy it and go for it. And in that case, you just ask him exactly what he wants and how he wants this to play out. And you do that. And as you gain more confidence you will no doubt… find ways to put your own spin on it and, if it’s not enjoyable, you just stop doing it. And there is nothing wrong with that.

So, my advice to you is to simply do that. Ask him to write you some little script of how he sees this working and maybe ask him to write one every week. To give you some idea of what this thing is going to look like. And then just see if you enjoy it.

I’m going to say this, though: Unless you’re getting something enjoyable from it, from the relationship, and from him… he’s essentially looking to use you to fulfill his own fantasy. And, again, there’s nothing wrong with that if you enjoy it. But just be aware of what’s going on so that you decide for yourself. Good luck with that!

 

04:28

Hello Ms. Ferns:

I have just found your blog and really like it. 

 

Oh I’m glad, thank you!

 

I am a submissive male (blush/frown) expressing that. I love and admire strong women and really like to make those who I encounter happy. I have really enjoyed the “Happy FemDom” stories.

 

I’m so glad, they are so great.

 

Several have made me kind of weak in the knees and ache with longing. I understand that you prefer real-life stories, but some of them seem to be fantasy. I would like to submit a story but it would only be fantasy as I have no real life experiences to draw from. Furthermore, are there any guidelines, other than those mentioned that you would suggest?

Thank you for your guidance.

bobby

 

Thank you, Bobby, for your email. And, look, I don’t have any way of validating the stories that I get. But I only take stories of people who, to me, sound credible, to people who have maybe documented their relationship for some time, and I’ve seen that documentation over maybe – sometimes it’s many years – um, and people who present what I believe are true stories. So I don’t deal with fantasies. I think there are plenty of outlets for fantasy stories. If you go onto FetLife, I’m pretty sure there’s a group for erotica and, you know, you could just post it there. And I’m sure there’s lots of role-playing type groups where you can submit, you know, your fantasy story and get feedback. So I’d suggest you do that.

For anyone else who wants to submit a happy femdom story – a true, real-life story about meeting and finding your female dominant, or your male submissive, and having a lovely, happy relationship, I’m going to do a callout here on this podcast to please submit the story to me, I would love to have it and put it in my next book. Um, send me an email on ferns@domme-chronicles.com and I will give you a pointer to the guidelines, and we can go from there. But I always love to hear and share happy stories. So, if you have one, bring it onnnn!

Link to my call-out: https://dcstaging.dreamhosters.com/2011/08/wanted-happy-femdom-stories

 

[Laughter]

This is not really actually a question.

 

Hello Ferns,

I just commented on your post from the 19th century [laughter] not realizing you had this “Ask Me” bit. 

I hope you’re having a good night and stay classy.

Kent

 

Thank you, Kent. I’m assuming whatever comment you had I already responded to it on the blog, so thank you for that.

Um.

 

Would you consider it normal to have a fetish for getting sat on and degraded? I’m a sub male, fairly short in stature, who goes to these play parties regularly, and there is this Domme there, who after hearing about my fetish, has taken to pinning me down by sitting astride my chest every time I’m there. Sometimes she will use my face as an ashtray, or perform other demeaning acts. Sometimes she will hold my arms down while taunting me. It’s been lasting for longer and longer periods of time (last time over an hour). It’s always a thrill but can be quite intense and intimidating to have this done to me. Do you think there is anything weird or unusual about this?

 

No, I don’t. I… I think fetishes and things that, that people enjoy and that turn them on run the gamut from, you know, very standard foot fetish to something that’s a little bit more unusual but not… I don’t it’s particularly wild and out there, like the one you have. I think you are hugely lucky to have somebody fabulous who meet up with at these parties and who enjoys it with you. If I was you, I would not worry about whether it’s normal, if it’s weird or if it’s unusual. You go do your thing. And enjoy.

09:40

The next one… says:

 

Can we please hear one of your very violent, sexual, non-consensual fantasies? Please? Pretty pleaseee?

 

[Laughter]

So this has come out of… something I said somewhere, no doubt. Talking about how… I always find it a bit… a bit funny when people, “Oh, I don’t have fantasies, I have plans” as if that’s some great achievement, because my fantasies are… horrible. Like, seriously, they’re terrible awfulness. And I just wonder that people don’t have enough imagination or… have such middle-of-the-road fantasies that they actually are some sort of plans. Obviously they don’t fantasize about tentacle porn or, you know, monsters from outer space [laughter] that become their pets. Or, really, anything out of the ordinary. But anyway. My… I don’t share my fantasies. They’re for me and my partner. And the reason for that is because, a) they’re very personal and b) I, I think they are genuinely wrong. And, I don’t even think. They are genuinely wrong. They are terrible and they are wrong. And that is okay with me inside my own head, and for me to share with a partner, but I’m very wary of sharing that externally. Not just because it makes me feel vulnerable – which it does – but… because I think there is a little bit of responsibility that I hold… in… the presentation of material like that. And I’m not sure that I’m in a position to do that well, so – until I feel confident that I can, I pretty much keep that stuff to myself.

So you’re just going to have to image some terrible, non-consensual, violent… sexual badness. [Laughter] And that’s what my fantasies look like.

 

11:57

What is your opinion on collaring a submissive?

 

I’m all for it! I think you’re asking for more than that, though. Um… I’ve only collared one submissive, ever. And, for us it was… something very sweet and binding and loving and an affirmation between us of our dynamic and our relationship. And in that sense I just think it’s akin to making any other kind of commitment to your partner. So we did it with an actual contract. And I had a surprise collar for him that I had engraved. And it was just super sweet. So, yeah, I’m all for it.

 

12:54

Do you like collars and leashes during play?

 

Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes I do, yes. I think, for me, because my play is quite… sexual, often quite sexual, collars get in the way, sometimes. Because I like – I’m making motions on my neck here – because I like necks. I like biting and kissing necks. And collars get a little bit in the way there. But, yeah, I think they’re sweet.

 

13:21

[Laughter]

Bless. Uh, I don’t know. How does someone get to my ‘Ask Me’ page and their first sentence, in the ask, is:

 

Are you a femdom? 

 

I… I… like, how did you find me? Why are you on my page asking me a question if that is part of the question?

[Sigh]

Anyway. Anyway.

 

I have a question and it’s about my fantasy, which could be considered a deviant fetish. I just want to be tied up and duct tape gagged and then have a hood put over my head by a woman. It’s from a scene in a movie that I keep reenacting in my head since I was a kid and I can’t get it out. Is this normal? Is it normal to have these fetishes? Is it healthy to explore? I think my real question is: as a man turned on by this I wonder is there a woman who is also turned on by the same thing?

if you have any info/articles/things I can check out let me know!

 

Yes I am a femdom. And that is in the old-style definition of the term, which is short for “female dominant” – not the new-style definition of the term, which I am resisting because I do not like it. The new-style definition is about femdom as a word describing the porn stereotype of female dominance. But to me, because I’m ancient, I’m as old as dirt, um… femdom was always just a shortened version of female dominant, and that’s how I’m using it. And will continue to use it until you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

Anyway. [Laughing] Back to the question. That was a digression, wasn’t it?

Back to the question.

I don’t think, well… you say it could be considered a deviant fetish, like, you need to stop demonizing your interest. There’s nothing, like, deviant about your fetish. It’s a pretty common one. You like some fairly heavy bondage. And that’s not at all unusual. So you should have no trouble finding, um, women who are into that. You basically want to be tied up, gagged, and hooded. And that is really no big deal. It’s absolutely healthy to explore as long as you do it safely with someone you trust. My suggestion, because this a very specific fetish that you have had in your head for a long time, is – my suggestion is that you spend the money and go out and experience this fetish with an experienced pro-dominant. And the reason I say that is because your focus is, is very, very narrow. And it just seems the easiest way to explore that very narrow, particular scenario is to fork over the money and have someone create it for you. And then see what happens after that. As for info, articles, and “things” I suggest you join FetLife.com and you find some groups on bondage. And you will find plenty of pictures of people who are doing this and plenty of groups where they are seriously into different kinds of bondage and you’ll probably get a lot out it, I imagine.

 

16:47

[Heh]

 

What do you get out of sticking your fingers in a boys mouth? Do you melt if he suckles them?

 

Suckles is such a dirty word. Isn’t it? [Laughing] Like, I don’t know, some words just sound dirty and that sounds… like, dirty. I don’t know why. Anyway.

Um… I think it’s about vulnerability. Because putting part of yourself inside someone else is an invasion of their space in the most intimate way and I think it also just feels nice, like it’s warm and it’s soft and it’s wet in there. And… it feels invasive, to me, to do it.

Suckling I… don’t care, really, about that. Sometimes it can be nice, yeah. I think – I think sometimes it feels nice. Depends on, you know, what kind of mood we’re setting here.

 

17:50

Ferns

Not shy (any more).

 

I’m not sure what that means, exactly. Um.

 

Would you like to collaborate on fiction- creative and marketing?

Ted

 

This is the entirety of your message, so… I’m sorry that I don’t know who you are. And, creative collaboration is not really a thing that I’m good at, because I’m a control freak. Um, if you have some marketing ideas for me, I am shit at marketing and I’d love to hear them. So, send me an email if you actually are serious and have the mad skills.

 

18:32

Does the image of a boy kneeling at your feet do anything for you?

 

My boy? Yes. Yes it does. Thank you for asking.

 

18:44

Okay, this is a long email. Um, so… strap yourselves in!

 

Hi, I’m a 24-year-old man who grew up in a very conservative very NOT sex positive atmosphere and have a situation I could use some advice on.

The most I’ve ever done is kiss a woman. And that was several years ago. I’ve had pretty extensive health issues and haven’t had the chance to meet many people despite being a fairly confident and attractive guy. Over the years I’ve looked at porn but in many ways it just made me feel lonely. My tastes were always for the more romantic “woman friendly” stuff despite being a guy. I’ve tried to be sexual with women Ive met online (since for quite a while I’ve been unable to meet in person because of my health issues). Over the past few years I’ve had several “encounters” online. I won’t go into them but most involved voice chatting while one or both of us touched ourselves. Afterwards I usually felt really embarrassed. So much so I would lose contact with the woman because the only time I wanted to talk was when my horniness was enough to overpower embarrassment.This lead to me being very standoffish unless I wanted something sexual. I know that’s wrong, but even knowing my tendencies it’s hard to break it (though I’m trying).

 

I’m trying to be understanding. But, you’re being an arsehole, and you know that you’re being an arsehole.

And that is going to… and, I – you, you seem to know this, but I just – I don’t understand how people go, “I do this shitty thing, and I know it’s shitty, but I just can’t help it.” And that seems to me a very special kind of being an arsehole. What it tells me is that you do not give a shit about the other person, that your embarrassment and discomfort comes first, your feelings comes first, and fuck the other person for whatever they feel. That you caused. And that’s not okay. And you know that. So, your thing there where you said, “It’s hard to break, though I’m trying”, my first piece of advice is this: Do not engage with anybody else until you sort this shit out, because it’s horrible. It’s horrible and it’s hurtful. And you’ve got to stop it. My sympathy only extends to the point where you are treating other people well. And after that, you’re being an arsehole.

[Deep sigh]

 

At some point [he says] I started specifically seeking women out online to help me become more comfortable with being sexual. Mostly I’m looking for women who are comfortable talking with me about sexual stuff in voice chat and with talking to me while I’m sexual (or who will be sexual with me in voice). I don’t ask for pictures beyond something to know what they look like so we can make sure we have some attraction to each other.

Now I’ve run into a lot of problems finding this that I don’t know how to tackle and that’s really where I could use some advice.

 

There’s… there’s some more detail here, which I’m not going to go into. I’ve given you my first advice, which is pretty harsh. But, I one hundred percent mean that. Sort your shit out before you go hurting people online. Because there are real people on the other end of that behavior. The second thing is go where online is THE thing. For example, Second Life, is purely for online interactions and there are femdom sims on there where you can go and this is what it’s for, for interacting in that way, and people build online relationships and do the sexy stuff, and get on voice chat, and do all that sort of business. So, I’m not sure what you have tried because, with all of the information you gave me, you didn’t say where you had tried; but go an seek out places where role play is the point of being there and then… find your kin. But, seriously, sort out your shit first.

 

23:15

Okay. [Laughter] I’m laughing because I just went – and got champagne – and I was thinking, this is what people do when they do podcasts, right? They go and get a drink and they sit down as if they’re having a chat to their friends, and then I thought, actually, I don’t, I don’t think that’s what people do. So, cheers! And welcome to my living room.

 

23:37

Um…

 

Miss Ferns,

On an issue of such magnitude as one of your books, I feel it’s important to consider all aspects of pink vs yellow.

 

To give you some context for this, I, um, released a book – this shows how old this question is – I released a book called “How to Make Your First BDSM Scene Amazing: For Dominant Women” [https://books.domme-chronicles.com/book/how-to-make-your-first-bdsm-scene-amazing-for-dominant-women/] and I was asking my social media friends whether the color should be pink or yellow. And the reason I was asking was because I really liked the pink. I’ve got a green one, I’ve got a blue one – these are my “How To Femdom” guides – I’ve got a green one, I’ve got a blue one, and the next one I was planning to do pink, but then when it was for dominant women I had a little bit of a… ‘traditional gender colours’ dilemma, so I asked, you know, social media what they thought and whether I could get away with it without people going, [in deep, complaining voice] “Oooo, she did pink for women” and I [laughing] did go for pink in the end, and overwhelming people said, “Ah, god, don’t worry about it”. Um, so, if you get that book it’s not pink because it’s for women, it’s pink because that was the colour I had planned for the next one.

Anyway, this person has some advice:

 

Please consider that colour appears differently depending on screen resolution, brightness and so forth. A yellow cover may appear GOLDEN [laughter] which can have connotations of which you may well be too innocent to have considered.  Combined with the title of “making your first BDSM scene amazing”, the prospective buyer may believe they have already cracked the secret and not spend the money on purchasing the book, thereby missing out altogether on your generous, practical and amazing advice. This would be a tragedy.

Note that the particular fetish I indicate isn’t one of my own, [sure it isn’t, whoever you are] however I did my PHD at the world acclaimed Sydney University [Ferns cracking up] faculty of BDSM Porn Investigation [Ferns begins to pull things back together] and I can assure you that we take this sort of thing very seriously.

PS – yes I’ll admit we stole many random kinky profiles to begin with, but over time we frankly found it erotically irresistible to ONLY steal the profiles of those who implored us not to. [Laughing again] As our dictum says, non fuisse injuriosum retines ego criminis reus erit

 

I looked that up. It means “I was naughty, I must be punished.” [Laughter]

Thank you for that, I enjoyed your sense of humour very much. You may ask me something else again. Even though that wasn’t at all a question.

 

26:40

[Laughing softly]

The next one:

 

If I mail you my chastity keys, would you flush them down the toilet?

 

Listen, son, just flush them down the toilet yourself and cut out the middleman. You’re welcome.

 

26:55

You are the perfect woman. That is all. I wish I could expand, but no words would ever do a woman like you justice enough. Pretty sure I have read your blog nightly for a year now. Thank you for being so amazing! – some stupid boy with such a huge crush on you

 

[Laughter]

Thank you, stupid boy, for the lovely compliment, and for the crush. And… if you’ve been reading it nightly for a year now, you must be reading and then re-reading. Because there aren’t that many entries. I hope you’re enjoying it.

 

27:32

I’m getting sweetness in my Ask Mes. I do like that.

 

I’m so in love with your voice! It’s amazing. It has gotten to the point I read all of your posts and tweets in your voice and it’s lovely.

 

Well, thank you. If I had an accent it would be even lovelier, I’m sure.

 

27:51

I would like help in seeing if this person is actually real, I have looked up her pictures and they seem to be real, but I just and to be sure, is there somewhere I can go to get these answers by chance? Thank you for your help and sorry to take up time from your busy schedule.

 

Um, this is from Matt.

If you’ve looked up her pictures and any information you have about her, then that’s about all you can do. Until you meet them. If they’re online, there’s nothing you can do, really, to validate that they are who they say they are unless you outright ask for information and, even then, people can, um, put together, say, driver’s licenses or whatever to fool you. So, to me, if you have to ask if the person is actually real, you don’t have enough information to make that judgement. So, either ask for the information – verifiable details – and go from there, or decide that it really doesn’t matter so much, because, I don’t know, you’re just chatting online or whatever you’re doing. So, make a decision about what you need out of this relationship and where’s its – where is it going, to make a decision about how much information you need.

I guess the bottom line is, if you’re just having a chat with someone and they’re cat fishing you, it doesn’t matter. If you are exposing secrets and vulnerabilities based on the intention to have a relationship, or something like that, that changes the situation obviously. So, yeah. The only way to know is through verifiable information.

So, if she sent you some pictures and you’re feeling a bit dodgy, I assume she is gorgeous and fantastic [both drawn out], ask for a few selfies, like, right now, right this second, send me a selfie of you doing a peace sign or something like that. See how that goes.

 

29:54

[Laughter]

What is your favourite CSS property?

 

[More laughter]

For those who are… not web savvy, which I can’t claim to be either, CSS stands for Cascading Style Sheets and it’s the… the thing that formats your webpages. [Laughter]

My favourite property. That is such a good question. [Laughter] That’s a strange question.

Fonts. Font is my favourite CSS property, because fonts are important, and awesome, and fabulous. There you go.

 

30:37

Why is trust important in BDSM?

 

Well, why is trust important in any relationship? I think trust is important in all relationships. And I think in BDSM you have the extra layer of safety. Things that seem simple, like, um, bondage, can actually be quite dangerous. And you have to trust a) that the person you’re with knows what they’re doing with whatever kind of play they’re carrying out with you and b) you have to trust them to stop when you say stop, as a submissive. And, as a dominant, you have to trust them to tell you when they need to stop. And without that, you can create a whole mess of… consent violate-y, hurtful, hospitalization-type badness. So, there is trust in the emotional and mental side and there’s trust on the physical side. And without it, you’re basically going to get yourself into trouble, and you’re going to get your partner into trouble.

So, yeah, all the reasons you need trust in a vanilla relationship, plus the ones that make BDSM dangerous. Bless.

 

31:55

What some bdsm protocol

 

Kneeling when someone enters the room. There you go, that’s one.

[audible mouse click to next question]

 

32:01

Oh… [laughing] oh no!

 

Hello, I love your blog! I love the updates about Sunshine. Please keep him, he is so lovely. 

 

Considering I just posted a, um… blog about him dating again I have disappointed you and I apologize about that.

 

I am a newbie Domme, 50 years old. After exploring and reading on Fetlife, I know that I want a Female Led Relationship someday with a sweet submissive boy, I know this in my heart. I am going through a divorce right now and I am separated. When the dust settles, where do I begin my search for my boy? Besides events, munches, local activities, are there kink friendly or even vanilla dating sites that you use or recommend? How did you meet Sunshine?

 

Ah. Well, if you’re going to events, munches, and local activities, you’re way ahead of the game. There are some kink-friendly, and vanilla, dating sites that you can use. I met sunshine on CollarSpace, which is pretty much ‘the’ (and I’m using that in inverted commas) ‘the’ BDSM dating site, even though its a hundred years old and there are a lot of horny wankers and, and, scammers on there. You have to wade through them… but, for me, especially because I’m in Australia, a lot of sites are American-based, so there’s not many Australians on there and – so they have to be very well-established to have any sort of volume of Australians. And CollarSpace has a good volume of users.

So, that’s number one. And you will, as soon as you – if you put a profile up there – as soon as you put a profile up there [slight laugh] your inbox will be inundated with wankers. And it takes a lot of mental energy not to get jaded. What I do on CollarSpace now, is I just hide my profile, and I message people that I’m interested in. So I take control, and that’s how I met sunshine. I saw his profile on there and I sent him message. Um, with my profile still hidden. I then unhide it, if I contact someone and they are interested, I unhide it so they can see my profile, and then I hide it again so I don’t get my inbox inundated with terribleness.

Other than that, um, OKCupid has a whole bunch of, like, I don’t know, thousands of questions, and some of them are specifically BDSM related. So you can do one of two things. You can answer those questions, and they’re quite explicit, like: “Would you ever be a slave in a relationship? Would be dominant in a relationship?” That sort of thing. And you can answer those and, then, that helps with compatibility. And you can, if you want to, be quite explicit in your profile. I tried being subtle in my profile and being explicit in my profile and explicit got me a lot of very young men who… wanted to try me out like, you know, like I’m a used car, um, and they’d watched too much porn. Car porn. I don’t know how – that car analogy doesn’t go very far, does it? They watched a bunch of car porn. Um, they watched “Pimp My Ride” [laughing] and got this idea that they wanted to taste – take me for a test drive. Um… and I tried something more subtle, but I always had that, those questions answered so I could see compatibility, which included answers to those questions.

So, good luck! I hope the rest of your divorce proceedings is not too painful and, you know, some luck out there.

Oh! Just to say, also, I met, I have met, um, submissives on FetLife also. And, I met my last submissive there, he posted something in a movie group, that I thought was interesting. And I went and looked at his profile and it was stunning and I sent him a message. So, opportunities are there even though it’s not set up as a dating site, as in you can’t go searching for people who match your criteria.

Good luck.

 

36:12

 

Good day. I know your advise is aimed at male subs. 

 

Well, and female dominants… but anyway.

 

But I was hoping for advice. I am a lesbian (type lesbian anything in google and sadly all you get is porn). 

 

It’s the same with BDSM, it’s the same with female dominance, it’s the same with all those things outside of the mainstream, isn’t it? Ughh!

 

I have always wanted to submit to a dominant woman. My wife and I are in the process of a divorce. 

 

Mmm. Sorry to hear that.

 

So I figured why not go look for what I want. I have found a Bi woman that is married to a man. Both of them are dominant with experience and known and respected in the local community. He has a sub of his own. She was looking for a female sub. So we started chatting and becoming friends. Basically getting to know each other. We both enjoy each other and have agreed to take it further and start a D/s relationship. We have started negotiating and really sharing what we want and need from this as well as soft and hard limits amongst other things, as well as sharing day-to-day things about each other.

 

That sounds great!

 

She is very patient, kind, funny, sexy and intelligent and she seems to just be able to flip some switch in my head that makes me completely crazy and willing, plus i really have started to care for her and feel a genuine need to make her happy. Recently she admitted that things between her and her husband are not great and have not been for a while. She suggested that I might not want to be her sub as she does not want me to possibly be involved in any problems or get hurt. I told her I still want to be her sub but will do what ever she wants and needs. She says she does want me to be her sub and i am very special to her. I don’t expect my Domme/Mistress to be perfect. I feel everyone has issues and a good sub will realise that and realise their Mistress is human too. Is my thinking right here? Or would it have been best to walk away when she suggested perhaps doing so? Bearing in mind that we get along so well and I really want this.

 

[Blows out breath]

Yeah, that’s a, a tricky question. Personally, I think, I don’t know, for me, being the third person, or the fourth, in a relationship going bad is not going to end well for you. But I have a very low tolerance for other people’s shit. [Laughter]

So, I, I… look, it’s really a choice you have to make based on all the information you have. I think if it gets ugly you are going to be collateral damage. And if – that may never happen. Maybe they’ll split amicably, and maybe they’ll make it up. But what I mean by collateral damage is, let’s say her and her husband work out all their shit and it turns out having a, you know, external relationships is not good for them as a couple. And she’s going to dump you, right? And it’s not that she’s an awful person, it’s not that, you know, she wanted to do that, but she has a primary relationship that is in trouble and you’re on the periphery of that. So, I would say that, while this messy stuff is going on, you are in danger of being a) either drawn into it or b) being kicked out altogether. So, you have to weigh up whether the risk of that happening is worth it.

The other option, which is what I would do, frankly – but I’m not emotionally involved, right? So it’s easy to do it from outside – if I was you, I would just step away and say, “Look, you need to do something with this relationship with your husband and sort that shit out. I’m happy to wait for that to happen.” Or you don’t even have to say you’re happy to wait. Just say, “Look, when you’ve sorted your shit out, come and see me. And if, you know, I’m not involved with someone else, then I’m happy to see where this can go.” But if I was you, I would [sing song] get the hell outta Dodge.

I wish you the best of luck with that.

 

40:19

Oh, this is lovely.

 

Dear Ferns,

I also hope you will be cloned

 

[laughing] And I don’t know where that came from. Did I talk about cloning somewhere? I probably did. That sounds like me.

 

I also hope you will be cloned, if only to give the Fernses (pl) a myriad of moments to decide to quaff bubbles and take to the air for Q&As and anything else that evokes your open laughter, your wonderful voice and way of speaking, and your clarity and generosity and your particular take on D/s relations. I love your blog and could take in a fresh podcast daily, truly it’s a hungry lion you have here. 

 

[Laughing] Thank you so much! So, this podcasting which is, what, once every three months? [laughing] Long awaited. You’re welcome!

 

I’m a woman of a certain age for whom the world of kink has only recently opened after falling in love with a man who has discreetly signaled that he loves to be bossed around and hurt a little bit in the bedroom. 

 

You know what I love? I love women of “a certain age,” I’m using that air quotes thing. I’m not sure how old that is, but I’m sure that’s my age as well. I love when women of a certain age start exploring this side of their sexuality. And, uh, it just speaks to me of some eye-opening revelation that maybe they weren’t ready for before. And I love it.

Um, back to it:

 

And I’m dead keen. I’ve been hooked since the time he arrived at my place and I directed him towards a broken jar on on the floor that needed cleaning up. When he requested further instructions., I joked unsmilingly that he could make like Annalissa the Beautiful and separate the elements (in this case broken glass and nails). He didn’t get the reference [laugh] but got to it. And, Ferns…it wasn’t the domestic service that got me, but That Look you’ve mentioned. The incomparable, melt-making expression of a gorgeous man off balance and in thrall to the confident caprice of a hot woman (that night I was). 

 

I’m sure you were. Good for you!

 

The thing is that I have a debilitating illness – I can’t work. 

 

Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.

 

Having read your guide to making your first scene a success, I agree; I want my environment and me to be clean and looking good. The biggest problem is that while exploring D/s with him is what I’m most interested in doing, it’s a challenge as a newbie to assume a dominant attitude when I feel sick (and looking like shit). 

He’s a total honey and despite my physical limitations we have deeply thrilling, satisfying and loving times, yet I find I want to steer toward more dominance/play but feel limited by the symptoms of my illness. HE’s flexible (I’m hard on myself). 

 

I hear that. I hear that. Absolutely, one hundred percent. I don’t think you’re an outlier in that.

 

I wonder if you have any ideas about how I could allow my Domme out to play in the context of exhaustion? I really want to be able to, it’s exciting and freeing and I feel a rare call of adventure around this. 

 It’s taken me ages to get the energy to write to you, though I’ve thought about it every day. It would have taken forever to get the word count down – I’m sorry about excess verbiage. 

 With a deep bow and the loveliest of wishes to you Ferns. 

 Lady Bay

 

Ohhh. [said while exhaling]

I’m so glad you found him, and I’m so glad he’s so lovely and makes you feel amazing. I have not been in your situation, so I can’t… a hundred percent relate. But I think when you had that, that exchange with the vase and it being dropped, and you told him and he went and did it and he was, you know, a bit starry-eyed over it, I think you hit the crux of where your dominance is going to be able to be expressed without getting into your physical limitations or exhaustion.

What I mean by that is that there are many, many opportunities for him to be submissive in the context of your illness. So, if you are exhausted, then have him do things that will help you. Things that you would otherwise have to do yourself. And, because you have an intimate relation, you can make them intimate things: he can brush your hair, he can help you get dressed, he can go and fluff up your bed (dahling), he can go and make you some fabulous meal, he can massage your feet, or put lotion on your skin, or run you a bath, or do any of those things that pamper you, and maybe give you a bit more energy then to do some more things that you might want to do that you otherwise wouldn’t maybe have the wherewithal to do.

So my approach if I was you would really be to use him in that capacity in order to try and save your energy for things that are much more fun for you. And I’m hoping that your illness is something that is going to pass and isn’t chronic but, either way, the mental side of D/s is huge, and you seem to have a really good relationship where you can use that to bring him closer. And hopefully in that give yourself some more space and energy to do things that you really wanted to do if you weren’t, you know, exhausted and had a bit more freedom, I guess, or strength. So, yeah, think about ways that he can do for you. And then just demand it from him. And brook no apologies. [soft laugh]

I hope it goes well for you both.

 

46:03

[Laugh] This is an interesting question.

What colors has your hair taken on throughout life (inclusive of experiments with coloring)?

Um, I am naturally a brunette. A very… quite a dark brown, actually. So, when I was young, of course I wanted to be blonde. [Laughter] So I went through a streaky blonde phase, and then when I thought, “No, that’s too much trouble”, I did a lot of auburn, sort of dark, with reddish highlights. So, not at all red, but sort of shining in the sun a bit of a red, red tinge to it. And I did that for a long, long time. And… I was platinum blonde for a little while, with a flat top, as you do [laughing] in the ’80s.

[Laughter] Oh my god. I think there might even be photos of that somewhere.

And… then I, I think I was auburn again and, now I’m pretty much exclusively blonde. So there you go, that’s my experiments with colouring. Thank you for your question.

 

47:24

[Laughter]

Gosh people are funny.

My dick is 2″ flaccid including foreskin, should I keep it shaved to intensify the humiliation? What underwear should I wear also?

Don’t care, pal. You do whatever you want. Good luck to ya.

 

47:41

Hi, Maybe you can help! 

 I’m 55-year-old straight male. Met a sexy woman 10-12 years younger 2 months ago. Vanilla sex very passionate – fell in love. Last week after me thinking for awhile I wasn’t getting through to her completely – there was a seemingly invisible wall – she finally, after much trepidation and encouragement from me, revealed she was a ‘professional’ dom – actually a ‘switch’ who has a completely different double life! BOOM -you might say- [laugh] I handled it well but have vacillated from initial acceptance to telling myself to run away very fast. We literally spent 27 out of our first month’s days together and much of the verbal fantasy I created turned out to be actually true – ‘you couldn’t make it up’ as we say here. Help??

Maximillian ;-)

Well, Maximillian, I don’t understand what your dilemma is. What do you need help with, exactly? You met someone, you fell in love. She likes you too. Are you… unhappy about her job? Like, I don’t get what the problem is here. Why, why do you want to run away? So, I think that’s the question. Like, what is the problem you’re having here? If you have a great relationship, and you like each other, and you spent a month together and it’s all hunky-dory… then you are a lucky man and you should thank god that you found her and you fell in love. And the fact that she has this job means that, I don’t know, that she has this job. So, if you’re having a problem with her as a sex-worker, then, you need to decide why you have that problem and whether you can get over it. Other than that, it’s just two people who met and, yay! So, I don’t know. I don’t know what you want. I don’t know what your dilemma is. I hope you sort it out.

 

49:48

Hi. I am very new and extremely excited about my new role as a female domme. How do I learn and practice to become MUCH more dominant? …I am too kind, this needs to STOP!!! 

[laughter]

thank you

gail

 Hi, Gail! I like your adamant “this needs to STOP”! Let me say this: New dominants often think they need to be mean. And that’s just not true. New dominants often think they have to be stricter and have a bunch of rules and yell and punish and, you know, be some stereotype of who they are. And that’s just not true. So… don’t. [laughter]

Dominant doesn’t mean unkind. So you say, “I’m too kind.” Dominants are some of the kindest people I know. A lot of them are nurturing. A lot of them – most of them are caring. Some of them, their whole style of dominance is about nurturing and caring. And that’s fine. So, you are new and you have these models of dominance that do not fit who you are. So you have two choices here: you either choose to be dominant in a way that makes you happy and fits who you are or you try and fit into what you think a dominant is. And you know which one I’m going to advocate, right? [said with a hint of laughter]

So, here’s the thing. When you’re in a relationship, a D/s relationship, and you’re the dominant, your dominance is about asserting yourself in ways that make you happy. And, in finding a partner, what you want to find is someone who responds to your style of dominance in a way that makes them happy. And then you have all the happy little bubbles, you know, rising up from that. If you contort yourself into some kind of not-so-kind dominant because you think you need to be stricter and meaner, you know what’s going to happen? You’re going to be exhausted. At some point you’re going to go, “You know what? This is not fun. This is work. This is me having to pretend to be someone else in order to be dominant.”

And a thing that confuses newbie dommes is that they will find a million submissives who will respond to that, and that is a heady experience. If you are a mean bitch, there’s a lot of submissives, especially online, who love that shit. And they will eat it up. So what happens is there’s a cycle of validation, where the meaner and bitchier you are, and the stricter you are, and the less kind you are, the more attention you get. And when you’re new, that is like an elixir of life, because you feel powerful and you feel like “the” dominant of all dommes. And that will work for a little while.

But as soon as you get into real life, you’re going to be playing a role every time you get together with your submissive. And if you’re just roleplaying, that’s great. You get together every weekend, you role play your hearts out, you can be mean-bitch-in-high-heels-and-stockings, he can worthless worm and then you go back to your real lives. This issue is if you want to turn that into a relationship, it doesn’t work. Because as soon as he asserts himself in the manner he does out in the world, as a normal human being, or as soon as you show some vulnerability, you have some shit happens with your family and you have a good cry and you need some support, the whole thing falls down.

So, my advice to you: How do you learn and practice to become much more dominant? I suggest you go out into your local community and you meet women who are actually dominant for real. And you will find that they are kind, caring, nurturing, fabulous women… who are dominant. They’re not unkind, mean, strict people. And if they have relationships, like romantic relationships, with their submissives, I think it’s a little bit misleading, because if you’re in a play environment they’re going be hyping it up, right? So, it’s actually not real life. But, if you see them at munches, they’re generally, you know, very sweet. Because that’s what relationships are: He’s like, “Can I get you a water, sweetheart?” And she’s like, “Thanks, darling.” She’s not going, “Get me water, bitch!” [laughter] You know, that’s not how it works. So, yeah. That’s my advice.

I also suggest you get on to FetLife and just have a look in discussions with people who have real life relationships and, and soak up how those relationships work. Also, and I don’t want to tout my own book, but I’m going to, Happy Femdom Stories, go read it. And you’ll see that none of those people in those relationships are mean or unkind, and they’re still as dominant as they come because that’s the relationship they’ve chosen.

 

54:55

Okay, so, I’m up to date now. Thank you so much for your questions, I really appreciate it. If you want to ask me a question, go to my blog and there is an ‘Ask Me’ page there [https://dcstaging.dreamhosters.com/askme].

Do not ask, I STRONGLY advise you not to ask any questions for which you need an urgent answer, because that’s not how it works. Um, there’s an ‘Ask Me’ page there, and my blog is https://dcstaging.dreamhosters.com.

Thank you for your time, and I will speak to you next time I put one of these podcasts together in a few months.

Bye for now.