Reader Q&A Femdom Podcast #99: Healthy pain play, how do I…, F/m events [Audio]

This Reader Q&A femdom podcast is over an hour long(!) and includes the following:

• Telling a dominant I like that I’m transgender
• You are shit at marketing (it’s true, I am!)
• How do you learn to cause someone pain in a good and healthy way?
• For those submissive men who are looking, some examples of your competition
• Cuckolding: Is she still dominant if she gets dominated by her ‘bull’?
• What kinds of fetish wear do women like on men?
• Dominance to help someone get out of their own head?
• I met a dude who’s submissive, now what?
• How to approach D/s with a vanilla man I like?
• My maledom is an immature babby (FINE THAT’S NOT THE ACTUAL QUESTION)
• Struggling to work out D/s with my wife, any advice?
• Spencer’s epic poem “The Faerie Queene” Canto 5 is fab femdom!
• We’re both submissive, how do I get her to dominate me?
• ‘The Great Gatsby’ style F/m events?
• And more!

Huge thanks (again) to My Fabulous Man Who Knows Everything (MFMWKE) for transcribing the audio for me.

The great top-and-tail music was created for me by the lovely M.M., thank you.

Editor note: The audio is a bit inconsistent, and I say something that implies I’m nearly done about half way through because REASONS: DON’T TURN IT OFF OR YOU’LL MISS OUT. Also: I am really bad at sound editing :P.

The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes, so you can subscribe to it if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it (though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…!). It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Full transcript after the jump…

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Hello, dear listeners. It’s been a while since my last podcast. But, if you have been following me at all, you will know that is not at all surprising. Except that in the last one I said that the second half of it was already done and I would probably be posting it soon which was *not* a lie, but the second part of it *became* a lie. [laughter] So I do apologize for that.

So here we are and I’m going to post the second part of that which has been here for [singsong]EV-AR[/singsong]. And I will catch up on the question I got since then, which… it has been a while.

So, I’m going to start with, obviously, the first one.

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I’m a submissive. I have found a woman to whom I would like to submit. The trouble is I’m a female that doesn’t identify as female, that identifies as male and is trying to take the next scary steps of transition. I have not told her this, and I am very nervous for the outcome. The loss of her companionship would be devastating, but not the end of the world, though I care for her a great deal. What advice do you have, if any?

Well, that’s a, a tricky question. I mean, I… I am wholly unqualified to give my opinion on this. Not only because I’m not trans, but also because I’m not involved in a trans community where people talk about these issues, so I don’t have any experience or knowledge about it.

The only thing I do know is that a primary concern is, is feeling safe. But, other than that, I’m not really the person to ask this question.

I really strongly suggest that you ask this of other trans people because they’ve got experience in dealing with it, I assume. Um, I’m hoping that my readers can point you to some resources. Um, I did speak to one friend about this and they suggested Pervocracy who runs a tumblr. I will link you to it in the transcript and you can have a look and they may be open to questions of this type, and be much more, you know, positioned to help you out with it.

I wish you luck with it. I hope it goes well.

Link:
Pervocracy (“…a nurse, a writer of extremely inconsistent output, a (mostly) gay trans man, an extremely lax Jew, and probably some other things too.”)

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In the interests of thoroughness I’m going to include this, but it doesn’t make actually much sense to me.

Lecture series on kink, like KinkU or Extreme Restraints. YouTube-style from the Ferns archives, like normal people post on behalf of people outside pornographic experience. Plain clothes, just a thought.

I don’t understand your thought! [laughter] What are you saying to me? I don’t know what you’re talking about. So, yeah. Okay, next.

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I stumbled onto an audio podcast of yours and may, only may, [laughter] have a fetish for Dutch-Australian accents, but not to the point of writing because I am the king of not writing, and because now maybe it has become more than just your voice I am finding so amazing. And, again, not my point in writing you. You have some amazing audio, Q&A, etc. But the only reason I found it all is because of the first two points. Like all of my talent clients you have wonderful material, but your marketing, well, we can do better. I will help, no charge. Well, you would think nice things about me. [laughter] Write me at [redacted]

This person is absolutely right, my marketing is shit. [laughter] Because I’m bad at it, and I hate it. Because it seems like all marketing is pretty much running around and yelling “Look at me, look at me” and… I can’t bear it. And I’m bad at it. So, yeah.

But! But, I’m going to say this. While it varies wildly, there are some things for which I’m on the first page of Google. And that’s a pretty big deal, right? So… inadvertent marketing-ish, apparently I am accidentally okay at some of that. [laughter]

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Hello [laughter] my name is – and I’m not going to give you the details of this person. I’m 55 en femme CD/TG – um, cross-dressing, transgender – male who lives in South Florida. And I’m looking for a dominant, mature, female, couple… grandmother! – Oh. – Where do I start to search?

Well, look, I’m single. So, you know, [laughing] my advice is not to be trusted.

I just listened to this back and I wanted to add something because I realised that in the email you referred to being a cross dresser and being a transgender male and I think the way you’re using those terms is going to get you into trouble because they’re not the same thing and you seem to be using them interchangeably.

If you were assigned male at birth and you identify as a man and you’re dressing in clothes traditionally designed for women then you’re a cross dresser.

If you were assigned male at birth but you identify as a woman, that is, you’re a transgender woman, and you’re wearing women’s clothes, then you aren’t cross dressing, you’re just… dressing… as the woman you are.

You might want to just do a little bit of research about the terminology that you’re using so that you can clearly articulate how you identify and it will be a lot less confusing both for other people AND for yourself.

I suggest Collarspace and FetLife to start. Collarspace because it is a dating site, you can do searches, you can contact people who are obviously looking for other people. Um, FetLife because it’s a way to find local groups. It’s not a dating site, so you can’t do any decent searches, but if you find local groups and get involved with them or talk to people who are in them, then you might have some luck finding someone who is compatible with you.

Good luck with this.

[I can’t believe I didn’t pimp my book! That other person was right: I am SHIT at marketing!]
Link:
How to Find a Dominant Woman

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Um. Hi, I just found you on FetLife and don’t know how to leave comments on the blog. [laughter] – I don’t know what that means! It’s not hard, there’s a link right down at the bottom! Anyway… – Since your last post here asks what I, as a new domme, might like to see in how-to guide, I guess one thing you didn’t mention is pain. I’ve only ever done pain in a really shitty way when I was a teenager, not knowing there was a whole lifestyle to this, just messing around. I don’t want to do it that way, but supposing I meet someone who’s really into a little pain? How do you learn to cause someone pain in a good and healthy way, besides safewords?

Thanks! Overwhelmed when I try to Google these things. Thanks for your blog and your writings.

That is a really good question. I think that there are a lot of resources around that you can Google. The issue is that when you Google things, most of them point to porn. Obviously, you are not looking for porn.

So, if you look for ‘how to’, and then you have to be specific: ‘How to flog someone’, ‘how to cane someone’, ‘how to do cock and ball torture’, whatever it is that you’re interested in, then you should be able to find some resources. There are also, um, groups on FetLife, that you can ask questions in, for specific types of play. So, if you do a little bit of searching there you will find them.

The other thing is that, when I was first starting out, the internet wasn’t such a big thing because I’m old as dirt, and, if you use some common sense, then you will learn by doing. And by that I mean, when you were a teenager, you were doing a really shitty thing because you weren’t thinking. Like teenage brains don’t think about stuff, they just run at things a hundred miles an hour. But now that you’re a little older, what you can do (obviously) is judge things and talk to people and your bottom, like talk to your bottom, and experiment with things in a, um, collaborative way that allows them to give you that feedback to make sure that it’s safe, to make sure they’re enjoying it, to make sure it’s not too much.

And if you do it that way, you would have to be hugely incompetent to cause any harm. And I know the safety police get distraught when anyone suggests that people without any experience go ahead and flog someone but, to be honest, it’s very, very difficult to hurt someone if you have a lick of common sense.

So, if you find someone who you want to play with, and it’s great if they’re experienced, because they can show you and they can tell you, then experiment with them lightly, and go slow, and talk to them. And you will learn stuff.

If you watch YouTube videos on this, this kind of thing, a lot of them are very educational – like, not the porn ones… because they generally just whale away with no consideration – but there are educational videos on YouTube that you can find.

So if you see people doing things, then that’s great. If you can get out into a community, people who are experienced are usually happy to help newbies, so if you can bring yourself to do that, or if you are happy to do that, then that is a great resource also.

I do understand how overwhelming it is to try and Google these things, so I’ll try to put some useful searches in my blog post so you can use them.

And the only other thing is that the fact that you are thinking about this and looking for resources to trying to do it safely is awesome. Um, it shows that you are being responsible, and wanting to do the right thing, so good for you.

Links:
Kink Academy
MorganThorneBDSM Youtube channel

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Um, the next one is: Hi, I’m new to Seattle, and I’ve been interested in finding a domme for a long time. I’m a submissive male. Where is a good place to start looking? -Daniel

Well, Daniel, as luck would have it, [laughter] my next how-to guide is about ‘how to find a dominant woman’! Because you are not alone in asking this question. So, look out for that. And then buy it. [laughter] And maybe I can have, you know, a coffee on you.

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Hi, Sharyn. [laugher] – Ooh, very familiar, aren’t you? – Sorry to have been lurking around without much to offer, but how’s the boot camp regimen going? Finding yourself physically spent and starving? My actual question was how did you injure your shoulder? Did you have a fall or was this due to overuse?

As somewhat advanced-age man, my physical limitations are with chronic lower back pain, some induced at a much younger time. As Jagger once said, “What a drag it is getting old.” – Isn’t it though, my goodness. – Also wanted to say how much I enjoyed your musing on “How great would it be if…” I remember someday long, long ago when I might have been one of those wankers looking for that dommely domme. I needed to get a run around and eventually find out it was just a form of prostitution. These were in the days prior to internet postings and one used alternative newspapers and snail mail for contact.

I did once contact a woman with whom I seemed to click; unfortunately, due to her time responding in that old-fashioned way, I met another woman who eventually married me. Though times occasionally pop up when I wonder, what if?

Sincerely, Jeff.

I love it when people share their stories. Thank you.

The bootcamp thing went okay until I went up North to visit family and then it was much eating and drinking for two weeks and not doing any exercise, so… yeah.

Um… how did I injure my shoulder? It just, I didn’t injure it. Which is… more frustrating than injuring it, to be frank. It was just a little bit sore, a little bit sore, and it got worse and worse and worse until it was so bad that there were certain things I couldn’t do. And then I went and sought help. So, I didn’t injure it at all. I didn’t overuse it, there was no, um, moment that I knew I’d hurt myself, anything like that. There was just a small pain that got worse.

And I remember the days when alternative newspapers or magazines where the way to find BDSM partners. And that’s exactly what I did: placed an ad in one of those alternative newspapers. My goodness. [laughter] Sooo long ago. Anyway, yes, responding the old-fashioned way, I assume that window was a little while, so, I guess if you met someone and married them, you fell in love. So congratulations, you. And thank you for your message.

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I’m reading this out because, if I must be subject it, then you must be subject to it. It’s only fair.

Do you force make men into submissive slaves by giving them lines to do which would be free of charge because it is against their will, their blessing, their consent. It is like you are punishing during detention online to discipline like them a strict, harsh, severe, firm female teacher would do so to naughty bad school boys.

For those submissive men who are looking for a dominant partner, this, sweetheart, is your competition. I’m not even kidding. I just… yeah. So there you go. Welcome to it. [laughter]

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Good morning, Miss Ferns, I’m a submissive male desiring to be your slave. Would you consider my request, please?

I just want to give a heavy sigh. So I’m going to do that, you ready? [deep inhalation, loud sigh with soft, drawn out end]

Look. [pitiful voice] Look. Did I just mention before, this is your competition, submissive men.

So when you talk about the ratios, or even have one second to think about it: this is your competition.

This is, like, a perfectly polite, two-sentence email from someone who doesn’t have the sense to know that this is not how I like to be contacted – on my blog where I have million pages of information about me with which they could start a conversation. [fact check: more like ~18,000] And they didn’t even have the sense to leave a return address. So, even if I thought that this was the best approach I’ve ever had and, yes, I’d like to consider you being my slave because this email was so compelling, I have no way to contact them [said in sad voice]. Ohhh. So sad!

[laughingly] I mean, I’m joking when I say so sad. [switch to sad voice] But it is genuinely sad.

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Your blog is amazing! [laughter] – Thank you! –

Best femdom thing out there and been secretly reading and watching this stuff for ages. I’m a deep thinker and always wanting to explore the depths of my own psyche. So nice to hear a genuine, intelligent, and sexy discussion on this, especially on a topic that really confuses me internally.

I’m a really strong-minded, independent, and quite a confident person. I got so turned on [laughing] reading a good femdom story that I immediately had to have sex with the missus. Not D/s sex really, I’ll be working towards that, but still great sex. I’ve not been connecting fully with what I’m reading and seeing online, but think I might start now. Will be back on your blog.

Nice one. Thank you, dear anonymous. I do appreciate some lovely encouragement. And yay for good sex with the missus!

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Are you ever going to show us your face?

No. No, I’m not. I show my face to friends who I trust, and who I get to know, and who get to know me. And then I’m more than happy to share. But ‘us’? As in the internet? Not gonna happen.

Thank you for your question though.

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Dear Ferns, I’m just looking for some insights out of necessity as you’ve mentioned in “About me” your desire was to express real-life scenarios. After reading a few blogs and femdom dating sites for dominas desire for cuckolding seems the norm. It would have made sense if they’re looking for other subs or slaves, even though I want a monogamous relationship. Not only that some blogs actually encourage it that it is domina’s right, that is not what is confusing me however.

Now these women say they are dominant and looking for a sub/slave but if they are dominant why would they let other men dominate them? Those men are called bulls on some blogs you’ll see those guys being called real men, alpha. But if you want those real men, dominant men, why look for subs/slaves? In what way are these women dominant, then, if they are cuckolding and let other men dominate them? It seems these women just want their cake and eat it too.

Would appreciate it if you could provide some insights please.

Okay. So… these women, some of them do want to have their cake and to eat it too. And, if that doesn’t suit what you want, why do you care what they want, is the question.

I guess I appreciate that that takes them out of the dating pool for you, but, so what? I just don’t understand what you’re getting at.

I don’t think you really want to understand them. What I think you want is to express your dissatisfaction at them not being available to you because that’s not what you want. So my advice? Skip them over and look for what you want.

And forget about whether these women want their cake and to eat it too. Because it doesn’t matter.

Maybe, maybe they’re switches and that’s perfectly fine. And they’re still not for you. So yeah. Stop thinking about it, stop expending energy on it and move on. That’s my advice.

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What harness go with the strapless dildo? [laughter]

Okay. Um. I have a post about that. I’ll link it for you. You’re welcome!

Link:
Which strap-on harness?

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Dear Domme Chronicles, I need your advice. What kinds of fetish wear find women sexually arousing on male subs? Could you explain me and send me pictures of such examples?

He left an email, so I think I actually emailed him directly. But the answer is different women like different things and, no, I’m not going to go and find pictures of what women might like and send pictures to you.

If there is a particular woman you’re interested in, ask her.

If there is no woman, and you’re just asking in general, then wear something that makes you feel fabulous. Because confidence is sexy. And if you feel confident, you’ll come across as confident, and that’s very appealing, always.

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I’m, I’m not – I think I’m getting to the end of this now. This is really long. This is the longest I’ve talked for a long time. But I have champagne, so it’s okay!

As far as drunk podcasting goes, I’m not drunk enough, I will tell you that for free.

[Pro-tip: THIS ISN’T THE END :P)

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Where can I advertise my fetish content? I have a twitter and I post my links on there, but I was wondering if there is a Backpage alternative for content selling. I looked up Backpage alternatives and most of the sites seem to advertise escort services. I’ve heard of ladies posting on Backpage, Plenty of Fish, and Craigslist, but they get deleted and have to make new accounts daily.

I don’t know why you are asking me that. I don’t know what on my blog makes you think I would have any knowledge about where to advertise your fetish content. I don’t know.

I suggest you find some women who are doing that, because if they are doing that, and advertising it, then it should be easy to find where they have put it, right? That’s logic, that is. So, sorry, but do a little bit of work yourself. Go to it!

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Hi, new domme. Just wondering if you have any posts with advice for the female that you could send my way. Thanks, L.

I do. There is a whole category of advice, and specifically advice for dommes. Have a look at my category cloud and click on the right option and there they are.

Link:
Advice for Dommes

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Hi, I just discovered your blog. I love your writing style and your narrative voice.

I’m female, 20 years old. My question: I have a boy I care about very much. He gets overwhelmed a lot, gets in his head, and has trouble escaping again. He has a bit of a thing for pain. I’m wondering if subbing and giving up control once in a while would be good for him.

I’m not sexually experienced at all and don’t know how I would go about being a domme or go about being comfortable being submissive, but I want to learn more about it.

So I was wondering if you have any resources you could point me towards that are geared towards females learning how to be dominant and learning how to take care of, and be attentive towards, someone submissive. Thank you so much.

I think it’s lovely that you care about him and want to help him get out of his head. If he has a bit of a thing for pain, actually, that’s a really good way to get out of your head because if your mind and your body are both overwhelmed and busy with processing intense sensation, then you don’t have room for other thoughts. And that can often be a very good and clearing thing for people.

I think it’s a leap to go from there to being submissive. Being submissive is about offering up control, whereas the pain play is about sensation. And, if I was you, I would concentrate on the pain play for now, rather than trying to do some kind of, I guess, panacea for his being overwhelmed with something that you don’t know if you or he are into, if you know what I mean. So you said that you don’t know that he is comfortable being submissive, you don’t know that you’re really a dominant, so I think you’re kind of reaching there for something that isn’t a natural fit for either of you.

So what I would do if I was you is concentrate on the topping side, and play with some pain. And see if that helps him get outside of his head. And, if it does, then you kind of have a path to nurturing that and then learn those skills, topping skills: different types of pain, different skill sets that you can use.

And the best way you can do that, actually, is to look at YouTube videos, to talk to people, to get into communities, whether it’s online or in real life where people explain techniques. If you can have a local community from where you can learn specific skills, then it’s useful to go out into those, because people are always happy to share their skills.

But I would leave the dominant/submissive stuff out, because I think it’s a learning curve that neither of you are particularly invested in. So D/s isn’t really a solution for people’s issues and I think that reaching for that as a solution is not going to go well. I wish you both the best of luck.

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27:05

Next one actually has nothing to do with [said with slight laughter] D/s at all [/laughter].
Are you afraid of dying alone?

Oh my god. [laughter] Why are you asking me that?

I’m afraid of dying. Period. Well, I can’t even think about it. If I think about it I get into that huge spiral of what’s even the point of anything, and that is *wholly* depressing. So I don’t think about it, and you can’t make me think about it now. I do appreciate you asking the question though. Thank you.

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27:51

Do you want children?

I think this is from the same person. [laughter] Just asking me short, sharp questions.

No. I do not.

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27:43

Hi, i have just matched with a fella who is a service submissive. I’m kinda interested but not really sure where to start or what to say?

That is a *hugely* broad question. Huge! [trump mimicking] Huge! [/trump] And this comes up a lot, actually. I should probably write a little ‘how to’ guide on it, because I see it a lot, where women say, “I met this dude I like, and he’s submissive, or he wants to submit, or he’s a service sub, or he’s done a thing, and she turns up on forums and on reddit, or wherever going, “I don’t know what to do now.”

And, the answer’s a bit long for a Q&A, but I’m going to say this: If you’re kind of interested, then the easiest way to make a start, I think, is to sit down with him and say, “What do you mean by you’re a service submissive? What does that mean to you? What does it look like? What does an afternoon with me look like to you?” Because when they say, “I’m a submissive” or “I’m a service submissive” or whatever they say, it could mean anything, to be perfectly honest.

So the first step is to figure out what he wants. And since you’re not, you know, experienced in domination or have not, presumably, previously had an interest in it, the most stress-free, I guess, way to start is to pick out things that he said that you like and say, okay, well, let’s spend, you know, two hours on Saturday afternoon doing that. And don’t make it huge production and don’t make it, you know, some operatic performance. Just if his, his idea of service is getting you drinks and giving you a foot massage then give it a go and see how it feels.

In the end, though, if this is going to work for both of you, you have to really figure out what *you* want and see if he can give you that, because as long as you are playing up to what he wants, it’s not really D/s. There’s nothing wrong with it, it can be great fun, it can be super awesome, and sexy, and wonderful. But you’re doing for him.

So, he may call it him being submissive, but really you’re doing him a favor, you know what I mean? So, just don’t get too confused about what is going on there. And you may step beyond that, which would be great, but just start there and see if you can have some fun with it.

Best of luck to you.

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30:41

Having read your blog post titled “Why I hate femdommery” of the 21st of January, 2011, (my goodness, I’ve been writing for a long time!) I’m curious to know whether the situation with the “wankers” has improved in the six years since. Or have things got even worse?

I had to go and read that post to remind me of what I wrote. And I mentioned a guy who, after a couple of emails with me wanted to send me pictures of him in panties, and how he was a wankering troll. He wanted someone, anyone, a vagina-owning someone to support his wanking, appreciate his wank material, so that his wanking has more wank value to him, due to his wanking being watched and wank-approved by some woman who would validate his wanking. Any woman, or you, you will do, you lady over there, help me wank.

[laughter]

I’m fucking funny, right? I am!

And in it I, I expressed the frustration that the reason that they, so many men, do this is because sometimes it works and that, at some point at not too long after this happened, I saw that he was being “mentored” – and I put that in air quotes – by a woman who was happily posting pictures of him in panties. So, you know, he got his wank fantasy and I don’t know what she got out of it but, presumably they… lived happily… for however long they lived happily. She was remote, so they didn’t *live* happily. They wanked [laughingly] happily together? I don’t know. Anyway.

No, I think it’s about the same to answer your question as to whether it’s gotten worse or better. I think it’s about he same. I know that there’s been a lot of talk about, um, Fifty Shades brining in a whole bunch of curious newbies, but I, I haven’t really seen that so much. Um… it may be more of a… an issue with young women submissives coming in and thinking they’re going to find their Christian Grey and [laughing] I did do a count at one point of the Christian Greys that were, um, signed into FetLife, or that had accounts on FetLife and there was quite a number of them. And I wanted to email every single one and say, [eagerly] “Are you a billionaire?” [/eagerly] “No? Well, then, fuck off, you’re not Christian Grey! And you can’t pretend to be Christian Grey. So stop it!” [soft, proper voice] I didn’t, of course, because I’m much too mature for that. [/proper] So, yeah, I’d say it’s about the same. I wish I could say it was better. Yeah. No.

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33:19

[deep inhale] Okay, this is a loooong one…

It’s a really good email though.

Dear Ferns,

I’ve been reading your words for five years, (Eek! Five years!) having discovered you right around the same time I discovered my submission, and dived in.

Over the years since, I’ve been attracted to dominance, and had some beautiful, thrilling (& terrifying) dominant plays with submissive men. I even had a (self-identified) slave lover serve at a dinner party. It’s erotic & playful and it turns me on, but I’ve never looked at a man and thought: I want him to be mine. His softness, his pain, his devotion. That comes later.

But. There’s a man I’ve known all this time, he runs my local bar. He makes me weak with his beauty. It’s the first time I’ve felt seriously and very clearly that I want to dominate a man, over anything else. I look at his arms and want to see them over his head. He turns away with his beautiful body to make my drink and I can see he knows I’m looking, and I want to mark that back. I want to slap his face… and I feel like I know how extraordinarily beautiful his expression would be, and how grateful. It really feels like he is aching for this connection.

And of course, this is my projection.

I’m quite sure he’s attracted to me, but I don’t know how the hell to bring this up. We’re kind of friends by now, since a while. I thought about telling him how much I’d love to be served by him in private, but that could be a real insult, given that he serves me now for money (and that’s how we know one another) – I’ve bartended plenty and I’d be white-rage if a customer said that to me. Then I thought, maybe the idea of flogging is even less weird and I could tell him how much I’d love to beat the shit out of him, [laughter] like “kooky hey hey wow berlin!”… but oh Ferns! I can obviously not do that!

I already praise him for his lovely (very very good best ever) service when I’m in his bar, and let him know when he’s come short (almost never).

What would you do? How to D/s flirt with a very proud man who already serves you? I know I don’t want to go out with him in a vanilla way. But do I have to suggest that first, and then crash-burn-never-go-back-to-my-homeawayfromhome/bar again if we become lovers and then I find out he’s not into it?

I also have other friends who work there and I do not want to share this part of myself with them.

If there’s an elegant, thoughtful, respectful & sexy way to open this up with him, Ferns, only you could know.

[slight laugh]

That’s why I’m asking you.

With many thanks for your words these years,

Your Australian countrywoman in Germany,

Hana

Well, this, this has been sitting in my inbox for a little while and, gee whiz, Hana, I hope you have found a solution.

Wouldn’t it be great if you had… I don’t know, tried something, and it worked, and you’re now a happy, amazing couple. You have to send an update, Ms. Hana.

For me, what I would do is ask him out as a start, just ask him out. And… when you are alone on a date, that is the time to start hinting, I would say, at your D/s tastes. Um, no, I would not, definitely not, talk about beating the shit out of him. [laughter] That did make me laugh, though. I would introduce it in a way that gives you plausible deniability so you can still go back to that bar.

So, if you have a date and it’s going well, and there’s lovely rapport, you can ask him sweetly to do little things for you, and she how he reacts to that. You can… do little things like ask him to, you know, come here, like with a little crook of your finger, come here, to me across the table, just to whisper something in his ear and see if he will naturally just do that or if he will look at you funny… and, you know, just little things like that. You will have to talk about it though. And I think there’s always a risk if you’re talking to someone who you don’t know is into that. *But*, if you are going to talk about it, don’t make it a big deal. Like, don’t make it, “Oh!” You know, it’s – don’t use BDSM language, don’t use D/s language, don’t talk about service or submission. If you are getting, you know, on and, you know, you are being very flirty and lovely with each other, then you can say something like, you know, “I like to tie boys up and have my way with them.”

Honestly, I don’t know any vanilla man who wouldn’t go, “Whoa! That sounds awe-some!” And if he says something like, “Well, you know, only if I get to do it to you” or “I don’t know that I’d be okay with that” or, you know, you should be able to tell if he’s… not comfortable with it. Then you can just drop it. If you want to, you know, be really sure – because it’s still, that’s still a bit hazy, then you can say, [in more serious, less playful voice] “Like, no, really. For real. That’s something I really enjoy.” And you’re no longer joking, you’re no longer, you know, playing with it, you are directly saying to him: No, this is something that I enjoy, and would you like it? And then you start to get your answer. A lot of men are very adventurous, so even if they’re not quite submissive… so, I think at some point you need to make choice as to whether you’re happy to have a bit of, I guess, slap and tickle in the bedroom or if you actually want full service and ownership and… all those trappings.

If I was you, and this is someone you, you obviously have a thing for… I would go for the first and ride it out. And if you can’t take it anywhere you may have, you know, three or four months of something really great and fun and awesome. And if you end it respectfully and well, then you can still go to that bar and nobody will think anything of it. You just go, “Eh, I used to date him. Didn’t quite work out.”

I hope that you will send a little note saying, “Oh, I didn’t need your help, Ferns. I did this and it was *awe-some*!”

So, yeah, I’d love to hear an update.

—
39:59

I have another email that says:

Your thoughts Ma’am?

And there is a link to a Guardian article where… um, boys wore skirt – teenage boys wore skirts to school to protest, um, the fact that they were not allowed to wear shorts. In summer. They had to wear long pants. And I, I suspect the person who… sent me this was asking from, specifically from, a D/s perspective, or from a female dominant perspective, but I see it more as a, “Yay. Yay for equality,” sort of thing. And I also see a *tiny* little (but not really) a *tiny* little… you know, dudes wearing skirts okay [???], is like… I think, actually, the protest would have been a lot less successful if they’d just all worn shorts, because that doesn’t get any attention, right? But what they’re saying is that girls get to wear skirts… so, we should be allowed to wear skirts. And even though their aim wasn’t to wear skirts… I wish it was, to be honest. Girls are allowed to do this, why aren’t boys allowed to do it? And the reason I say I wish they were allowed to wear skirts, not because I think that’s an effemin – a feminization thing, I just think a skirt is a skirt, like, it’s a piece of clothing, it’s… it would be great if it wasn’t gendered, and men who wanted to wears skirts could just wear a skirt. No big deal.

Link:
Teenage boys wear skirts to school to protest ‘no shorts’ uniform policy

—

41:28

Um [soft, breathy laughter]. The next one I think is a, is a little flirt, actually.

What are you seeking? Besides the obvious, I mean. What would it take to intrigue you?

You know what I like? I like that thing you have where… there is a connective banter. And sometimes, you know, when I’m sending emails out, or replying to emails, I send a little, a little t– I don’t know, I want to say a teaser, it’s not a teaser. I send a little… signal out into the world. And it’s something a little bit funny, ridiculous, out there. And I want to see if they run with it.

And most of the time they don’t.

And when they do, I’m thrilled that they do. And that, to me, is a little spark of possible connection. And that intrigues me. Every time, that will intrigue me.

And the same if it’s just a cold call, if someone sends me a cold call, and they send me something funny that connects with something I’ve written, I adore it. So, yeah. If I see potential connection, that’s the thing that intrigues me.

—

42:39

Next one, I want to – I want to ask this one in a really dumb voice. You ready?

[read in a deep, dumb voice]

do you have any pics?

[/deep, dumb voice]

That’s it. That’s the entire… that’s the [sighing] entire question. [sigh] Honestly.

Why? Uh. Forget it, I’m not ever going to. Uh. Forget it! [laughter] Uh!

—

43:11

I’m in a sub/dom relationship. My dom asked me to do something and i said no. What is a suitable punishment? We normally FaceTime when I’m alone and i play for him, but since saying no to him he’s not FaceTimed or texted much. Would you think this a suitable punishment as he knows I’m sorry. It’s killing me not seeing him or playing for him.

Okay. So, obviously, this is an online relationship. And you don’t know… and, like, haven’t met up face-to-face.

[aspirated eh]

What I think is a suitable punishment doesn’t matter one bit. The fact that he has withdrawn without specifically saying to you, “Right, I didn’t like that and this is your punishment, this is what’s going to happen, and this is how long it’s going to happen for” means that he’s really just behaving like a petulant child. That’s just my opinion, and I’m sticking to it. He might be hurt, he might be upset, he might be whatever, I don’t know, but… whatever it is, it is completely vanilla behavior to just withdraw without a word. There’s nothing domly in it, he’s not punishing you, he’s having a little hissy fit.

If he had said, “Okay, you know, you didn’t do that thing that I asked you to do, here’s what’s going to happen next,” that’s a different thing. But him just not texting you and not FaceTiming you, that’s just him… being pretty immature, actually. So, yeah, that’s what I think.

As for what’s a suitable punishment if you say no, depends what you did. And why you did it. I don’t know the context around it and what happened, so I don’t really have a good answer for that. But… I will say this: If my submissive says no to me, you better bet I will find out why and what is going on there. And, from there, we, as a team, figure out how we move forward. And that’s how you build a relationship, and build trust, and build a D/s dynamic. That kind of collaborative, we’re in this together, you have to play your part, I will play my part, and that’s how we fit together, and that’s how we make it work.

And then, if I thought a punishment was warranted, then I would probably do something that fit whatever the transgression was.

—

45:31

Ms Ferns, I have read through your blog with great delight.

[laughter] Well, thank you.

I just discovered it. I don’t think I have thus far encountered anyone with such a thoughtful and complex understanding of the D/s dynamic between male submissives and dominant women. Spot on on all counts.

Aww, thank you.

No question, you and I are on the same planet—the happy planet Earth. But I have quite a problem, and could use some advice or direction and you seem like the first and only place to start. So, sorry to go from such a light introduction to such a heavy topic, but I’m really at the end of my tether.

I am married, 15 years, and ostensibly involved in a D/s relationship. I am a submissive, as natural as a mouse is eaten by a cat, [laughter] but am asking the same question repeatedly and have been for years: have I made a choice to be with someone who is not, and never will be, a dominant in any meaningful sense, and this relationship is a one-way street because it can only go one way? I am serving an imaginary person who only exists in my own mind, and she derives little from my efforts? I always wonder if she is someplace else entirely, and we are just going through the motions. I’m 90% of the work and the intention and she is almost disinterested. She simply doesn’t want to hurt my feelings and tell me it isn’t working and she never will.

I’ve looked at all the local therapists and counselors; no dice, nothing whatsoever clicks. And the wife seems to have little interest when I propose one. I’m at the point where I am about to reach out to a seemingly well-grounded and sympathetic pro-domme to see if she can make a recommendation or to get a clear read on whatever in the hell is going on—or not going on.

What do you think? You think if my wife and a pro were to communicate it would help? I have never been disloyal and am hesitant to broker this outside of her involvement, but I’m also concerned that if I don’t act, our marriage will continue to disintegrate.

Best,

Ubu

I communicated with, um, Ubu via email in the end, because he followed up in a non-anonymous way. So I’ll just tell you what I said just to… round out the ask me.

Thank you for your email.

It sounds like you’re in quite a bind. The main difference between you and most other folks who find themselves in this kind of position is that your wife has, or had, some interest in and knowledge of D/s.

There are three options. You try to fix it. One. Or, two, you talk about how you get those needs met within the relationship. Or, three, you split up. The fourth option is to cheat, and I’m not including that.

It seems like you’re at the end of your tether with trying to fix it. And these things are hard to fix on your own. So my suggestion would be find a kink-friendly therapist. Not to get what you want, but to figure out how to navigate this issue so that you can both be happy. I’m not sure what you mean by, “Ive looked at all the local therapists and counselors; no dice, nothing whatsoever clicks.” And you said your wife wasn’t interested. But here’s the thing: If this is very important to you, if it’s a show-stopper, and you communicate that and she says, “No, I’m not interested in figuring this out” or there is more and more talk, and no action, then that is a choice she is making about the relationship and what she is willing to invest in this part of it. And if that’s the case, at some point you have decide if you’re okay with that or not.

But, to your point, you can’t keep it simmering forever on your own. You can Google kink-aware therapists in your area… and then you have to find one you can work with. But, I will link to the most well known directory in the text. It might be worthwhile for you to go on your own if your wife won’t go, so you can talk through these issues. Because it’s not uncommon at all. And, no, I don’t think a pro will help. That’s starting to look at things that fall under option two, where you negotiate how you get your needs met without leaving the relationship. And I don’t see how bypassing your communication and mutual understanding is going to work, even if that mutual understanding is, yes, we’ll try some things under option two, where, you know, I give you permission to go see a pro or, I give you permission to play with someone at parties, or anything like that. If you haven’t exhausted all options, that is going to create resentment, because what… there’s no way for her to parse that or be wholly on board with that. It – It will be a grudging, “Well, if this is what I have to do to keep my marriage, but I’m not happy about it” type of thing.

So there has to be a process to work through options before you get to that point. Because, for most monogamous women, and that’s a large majority of women, who have been in a monogamous relationship for years with their partner, it is not going to be an appealing option to talk to – to have you go somewhere else. It doesn’t matter how you define it, it doesn’t matter how you slice it, there are very, very few women who will go, “Yes! That’s awesome! Go do that, sweetheart!”

I’m glad that you’re discussing all of this with your wife. Um. You’ve got a lot of years of patterns and habits and it can be hard to break out of them, even – even if you really want to. And that’s the reason why a third party can help with that, to facilitate exploring those patterns you already have and maybe breaking them down a little bit. And I’d ask you a question. You’ve talk a lot about what *you* want. Have you asked your wife what *she* wants? It’s pretty rare that only one person in a relationship is dissatisfied with what’s going on. If she’s not happy either, then part of this is going to be not just, you know – well, either way, um, it’s not just going to be about you – but if she’s not happy, either, then you both acknowledge that you have something to work on. If she’s perfectly happy, then I think that’s actually a lot trickier, because she’s like, “I don’t see why we need to change anything, it’s all good.” But I’d, I’d be very surprised if she actually believed that, or thought that.

And thank you for the kind words about my writing. I appreciate it very much and I’m glad it resonated. Best of luck to both of you.

Link:
Kink Aware Professionals Directory

—

52:13

Oh, look. I honestly don’t know if I should… share this… this one. I hate to give someone attention, but sometimes I just want to illustrate, I don’t know, how weird people are. And… it’s just so strange, so I’m going to share it. This one was in my asks:

Your (Y-O-U-R, of course, because people who write things like this… aren’t the best in terms of [laughter] literacy). Your a shamefull[sic] fucking bitch whos[sic] unfit to be in charge of Anything[sic].

That’s it. That’s the comment. Why? Okay. Okay then. I hope you feel better now, I hope that you had a good day and that your life improves from the terrible, bitter unhappiness that you’re living in right now. Bless.

—

53:16

The next one:

Sorry to bother you, but I’m just wondering when Happy Femdom Stories will come out, and how to be in line to get a copy.

Thank you.

I love that you asked me that, thank you so much!

Um, I just wrote on Twitter the other day that I start these projects and then they languish for a while. It’s actually kind of done. I even have a couple of covers that I’m considering, and I’m reluctant to say when, but, if you join my mailing list and you’ll see, um – I’ll put a link to it in the transcript of this, um, podcast, and it’s also on my blog, join my mailing list and you will be the first to know when it’s out!

I’m hoping, well, I’m hoping, look at me as if it’s got nothing to do with me. I’m hoping it will be soon! [laughter] I’m planning for it to be pretty soon. That’s better, isn’t it. Thank you for asking that.

Link:
Join my mailing list!

—

54:16

I’m going to confess something odd. I was going to tie myself up and sleep in bondage tonight to remind me to wish you a happy birthday in the morning, but I [laughing] miscalculated the time zones. Now I’m wondering… should still sleep in bondage tonight?

Well, it’s a little late for me to answer that. I bet you did. That’s what I will say about that.

—

54:40

Uh…

Dear Mistress Ferns,

I discovered your profile/attitudes/views listening to the Masocast interviews and I am elated!

That’s good!

I was turned onto BDSM via my departed Sweetheart who was a brilliant mentor, leader, who I now believe had submissive tendencies. He was always about pleasing me and made sweet requests of me to call him “Master”, asking me to be submissive for moments at a time, begging me to “choke” him. I was so new to these ideas and found them frightening and confusing and I had no one to talk to about them but my Sweetheart who encouraged me to research and investigate them. This was more than five years ago.

I’m a bit confused there about whether you were the submissive or the dominant? Anyway. Maybe switching.

I have always been fascinated by human behavior and the more I discover about a person, the more complex and clouded my understanding seems to become. So, I think I need to now relax and open up to getting to know others and what they have to share. This concept is easier said as I too am an empathic introvert. The surrounding energies can oftentimes overwhelm me. I spend a lot of time alone without ever feeling lonely and I believe I am hard-wired this way.

Me too. We’ve got that in common.

I’m writing with the hopes that you can offer some wisdom about opening up to experiences with the goal of strengthening my intuition which in turn will offer me a sense of comfort so that I may relax into my Goddess nature. I do not orientate towards domination but I do not take shit from anyone. I have a great deal to give however, my fear of vulnerability seems too strong at times.

I have attended Domme events, advertised for a service male sub and actually met with a few but there was little connection. I dated a wonderful and giving submissive male for a while who introduced the concept of service and I have been wrapping my thoughts around this ever since (we ended our relationship in May 2017).

I send cheers and gratitude that you discovered this so necessary niche and that you so willingly share with wisdom and grace.

Thank you.

I just now found your podcasts and am getting onto iTunes now…

Be well.

Dee

Well, welcome to my podcast, Dee.

I don’t, I don’t think I really have any advice to give you.

You wanted some – something about opening up to experiences. I think you – it sounds like you’re already doing the things that you can do to explore, and it seems to me that you’re doing it cautiously, and well, and with intelligence.

I would suggest if you’re not already on FetLife, to get onto FetLife and explore some of the discussions there which you may find useful. You’re already going to events, you’re already meeting people. And the only other thing that I can recommend is having a look at some non-fiction books.

I have a non-fiction book list on my blog that I will link to in the transcript. And, in particular, you might enjoy and get something out of Uniquely Rika, which I recommend to a lot of new dominants. Rika’s style is not exactly aligned with my style, it comes more from structure than from passion, but it is one of the very few books that specifically looks at D/s from a dominant perspective and talks about building – how to build relationships in that context. And it’s really very… very interesting, because many of the others that *pretend* to be from a female dominiant perspective aren’t. At all. So this is one of the few that is. And you might benefit from having a read through that.

I wish you the best of luck with your explorations.

Links:
Non-fiction book list
Uniquely Rika by Ms Rika

—

58:36

[laughter]

Would it bring you more pleasure if I mooed for you or squealed like a pig? Smiley face. Haha.

[laughter]

Both! Always both, if there’s a choice. I’m always going to pick both.

—

58:57

Do you like strap-ons? Have you ever fucked a guy with one?

[very quickly] Yes. Yes.

—

59:02

On your next audio Q&A, [laughter seemingly at brevity of last answer] can you please say the phrase, “Lick boy, LICK!!”? Hearing you say this would do wonders for me.

Well, I’ve just said it. But that’s not what you *mean*, is it? Mmmm… no. No, I don’t think I feel like doing that. Thank you for asking, though.

—

59:27

Do you have a go-to masturbation fantasy?

Na-ah [unique vocalization trailing off as it rises in pitch]. A go to, no. A concept of the type of things I go to, yes. Very violent, sexual, non-consensual terribleness is my go to.

—

59:42

Ah.

Spencer’s epic poem Fairy Queen.
Canto 5, the battle between the Amazon warrior and a knight
Really is as kinky as anything can be.
Thought it might be of some interest.

I have never heard of that. But I will go and look it up. Thank you for that recommendation.

—

1:00:02

We are a couple that are dominant socially but submissive sexually, both having had bi and threesomes prior to our hooking up. She never initiates sex but rarely says no. Usually because she is irritated I didn’t do my share of something.

[laughter]

So you’re a shitty partner is what you’re saying. So, okay. Moving on.

How do i get her to be dominant sexually? I am willing to do almost anything, including FLR & cuckold as i know she would enjoy bigger than me. I even bought a cage.

I have told her i need anal, and she has agreed, but again, it only happens when I initiate it. Help!

[laugher]

Well, okay, for a start, if you don’t do your share of something and you know she gets irritated about it, just do your share of the things. That’s not hard. I think, I think men underestimate the value of foreplay in – in the form of doing for your partner. I think it’s a, there’s a whole, you know, history of traditional gender roles in, in, all sorts of social interactions and in social contracts. And, one of those that is huge is the idea that women bear the brunt of, of – are expected to do the majority of work around the home. And I have no clue what your relationship’s like, right? But if you’re not doing your share of things, then it often comes back to that. That she is doing a shit load of work, and you’re sitting on the couch, going, “I’ll, just pick up that piece of paper and, there we go, I’ve done my bit.” And that’s not an environment in which women feel sexy. It’s an environment in which, in which they feel as if they’re carrying the load and it makes them tired, and it makes them pissed off, and it makes them irritated. And that’s not conducive to having the sexy times, right? So that’s my first suggestion: Do your share.

How do you get her to be dominant sexually? And then you mention your fantasy things that you would like to do: “I’d even, I’d do anything, including an FLR and, you know, getting her a bit– a bigger dick.” And, you know, it’s just… that’s not, how to do it. Bless your heart. Bless your heart.

The way to do it is to talk to her about it. Really, the bottom line is to talk to her about this as if you actually care about her pleasure. I mean, it seems odd that I need to tell you that, but… you’re saying, “I want this, I want that, she doesn’t do this, she doesn’t do that,” and maybe you need to go and talk to her about how you can make these things something she wants more of.

Is there something you can do that will make this a more pleasurable experience? Is there something you can do that will make her feel like anal is the best thing ever that she’s ever done in her life.

So, yeah, instead of going to her and saying, “I want you to do this, that, and the other thing,” talk to her about how you can ensure she has so much pleasure in those experiences that she wants to do them more.

And the bottom line is, you said you’re both submissive, the chances are this is not something that is going to be “the bomb” for her, ever. That she’s doing it as a good, game, and giving partner to you; and that’s awesome, and that’s lovely, and lucky you. But that means you have to change your expectations of how it’s going to play out. Ask her how you can introduce this in a way that makes her feel happy and comfortable and want to do it more.

So, yeah, do that.

—

1:03:51

masalam (peace, hello, hi) [laughter] and hello,

from Mistress Sayyida [redacted] and her slave-puppy Shaykh [redacted],

We both love your blog, and writing. my question is where in the US can one find more formal dinners, and other old fashioned/upscale events for D/s ? I like a lot of the events i took my puppy to, however most were like a college-style or potluck informal get togethers. I am Middle Eastern and Caribbean, so my background is more formal and conservative. I guess I am looking more for the Great Gatsby and less for Coyote Ugly, if that makes sense.

Anyway stay awesome, and keep writing.

I love this question. And I agree with you. I really agree with you.

I mean, when you say ‘in the US’, the US is a big place, but let me say this: The kind of formal events that you’re talking about are not that common, not least because they’re a lot of trouble to set up, because… they’re going to be, if they’re going to be formal, they are going to be, probably, a lot more costly than having a venue and inviting people and playing some music. And they also will require protocols and training before the event so that it all goes smoothly.

And one of the things that I’ve found also, which is – I mean, I’m not a joiner anyway, so I guess it doesn’t matter much to me – but, um, one of the things I’ve found is that even if they are touted as formal events, they nearly always seem to have these awful – well, they’re not awful to everybody, obviously people enjoy them, but they’re awful to me – um, submissives-being-humiliated type games.

So they have all the beautiful, formal, maybe dinner, and service, and that kind of high protocol thing and then in the end they have submissives naked and bobbing for apples, and everyone’s laughing at their dicks, I don’t know. Throwing little circles onto penises and… I don’t know. Things that I find incredibly unsexy. And I know, you know, that your kink is okay and all that sort of stuff, but for me – I like grace, and I like elegance, and I like… dignity, I think. I find all that sort of context very sexy. So I know exactly the sort of thing that you’re after. And they’re very uncommon. The only way you’re going to find them is to get onto FetLife and see if anybody is advertising those kinds of events, but they’re not common at all.

I actually think that it’s much more likely that people hold private dinners that are of that ilk and they invite their friends, so they’re not going to be publicly listed anyway. So that means getting involved in your community, getting to know people. And even if you get to know people, you could have one: a small dinner for eight or something and run that kind of formal, private dinner.

Anyway, thank you for your email and I hope you find something that you like. Good luck.

—

1:07:12

Okay, this time, I’ve allowed a very long podcast. I mean, other people do long ones, why not, right?

So you should be sick of hearing from me already, but look, if you have to wait three months, I may as well make it whatever it is, an hour and ten minutes. I hope you enjoyed it.

If you have a question that you’re not at all in a hurry to hear an answer to, then please go to my Ask Me page on my blog and I will be happy to talk to you in my next podcast. Until then you can find me at www.domme-chronicles.com and feel free to comment over there on any blog posts that you find interesting as well.

This is Ferns, signing off until next time.