The way my brain works is really annoying to me sometimes.
It will spin on a thought and refuse to let it go, and I will spend way too much time and energy talking to myself about it, going round and round in circles.
When the sex-voiced Texan cut off communication, there was a niggling fear that ‘something’ had happened. But I let it go because I’m not one of those people who makes excuses for others: the most logical explanation is mostly the right one. I had come around to that. I had shut that niggling twitch down. Or at least, I thought I had.
Then this week I had a bunch of trouble with my email where message after message that I sent was not being delivered, and that fear raised its ugly head again.
I had this horrible feeling that my last two emails went into the void and that he thinks I just stopped communicating with him. In short: I had this fear that HE was on the other end of the feelings I had wrapped myself up in.
The thought that he might be on the receiving end of that kind of hurt and confusion makes my heart ache, even now. Even though I don’t really believe it. Not really.
Still, it sat stubbornly in my head and refused to budge DESPITE ALL EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY and despite the rational part of my head going ‘that’s bullshit!’.
And I couldn’t let it go.
So today, more than a month after our last contact, I sent him a snapchat (he introduced me to snapchat as a communication method, so I assume he uses it regularly):
“Cannot let go of this niggling worry: 1. Did you get my last 2 emails? & 2. Are you well? Just ‘yes’ and ‘yes’ is enough so I can let it go.”
I have no idea if he will reply. But I feel better for having sent it. It was the right thing to do.
Now please, brain, I’ve done my bit: Let it go.
18 comments
I imagine that, particularly having just sorted out this sort of misunderstanding with your First, this would be a particularly hard worry to let go.
Good point. I much prefer to think it’s that influence vs just somehow wanting to find excuses for him.
This is what makes ‘not knowing’ so hard: it makes me worry, and worry AT it like a terrier, burying it, then digging it up again and chewing on it because I can’t leave it alone…
I can’t bear the thought of inadvertently causing that kind of hurt, so yeah, it makes sense with the experience with my First being relatively fresh. Ugh.
Ferns
I would do the same
Thanks. Maybe I should have done it earlier, but I was in defensive mode then.
Ferns
Ah, the human mind, what an interesting part of us. I sometimes compare it to a cat. It will do what it wants and sometimes all I can do is wait for it, without knowing when it will finally come around.
I sometimes wonder if intuitives have more problems herding their cat-like minds than sensing people do? (reference to Meyers-Briggs for those not understanding)…
I think that was a good thing to do, both to put your mind at rest, and to makes doubly sure you have done all you can and a technology failure was not the cause of an awful misunderstanding.
Best
Ha! I like the cat analogy.
I’m an INFJ, so maybe my cats are all just out of control.
I think it was a good thing to do also. I just needed to get that niggling thing off my plate. Whether I get a response or not is almost immaterial.
Ferns
Smile, I am an INTP, and have learned to wait for my cat to come around.
Over the years, I have learned that feeling and am getting better at knowing I just need to sleep on it.
I even structure my tasks to get started on some projects, but only planning to get into them enough to get my mind working. I can feel I am at the point where I won’t make progress, then off to another task, so that the first can simmer in the background.
Cheers!
*smile* That kind of self awareness is wonderful.
Ferns
Hi Ferns:
I know what you mean because I do exactly the same thing! I will obsess, obsess and obsess over stuff like this until I practically drive myself nuts! In my opinion you did exactly the right thing reaching out and attempting to clarify things. I would have done that also but only after worrying myself sick over the situation. Cheers and best of luck!
hmp
*smile* I hear you on the ‘driving yourself nuts’ thing. I genuinely thought I had let it go, but obviously I hadn’t.
Thank you for the good wishes.
Ferns
I think I am the queen of this habit. In fact, I will roll it around in my head so much it will cause me to go into panic attacks if I am not careful and don’t take my anxiety medication.
This is the thing..and I know its cliche and sucks when people say this but I am going to anyway…
You are truly an amazing woman! If he isn’t replying to your messages, and you tried to reach out and made sure it was a way that you knew he would definitely get the message, then you are better off without him in your life and you deserve better. Regardless of the level of relationship whether just friends or something that was a little more, if you reached out and he doesn’t respond that’s just hurtful and disrespectful. I NEVER just end contact with someone I know.
Respectfully,
Mysticlez
Yeep! Yeah that sounds terrible.
I can generally tell when something isn’t going to go away. I was wrong this time. I hate that.
I don’t really expect to hear back (and honestly, I don’t even know if he *is* a regular snapchat user, I’m just guessing).
But I’ve done what I can, so I’m good with it.
Thanks for the loveliness.
Ferns
You did the right thing. Real closure is essential in all relationships. Hopefully your brain will let it go and you can rest knowing you did all you could. respectfully stan
Thanks stan.
And yes, I’m pretty sure I’m good to let it go now. So phew.
Ferns
I would have done exactly the same thing you just did, but because it’s so much easier to have a clear head about things involving someone else, I’d say – and I only say this to give you a sense of closure – had he really not received your last emails and yet still had not reached out on his own, no email you could have sent would have changed anything.
It’s so comforting and compelling to think that a correctly phrased correspondence could change something but it almost never can. Not in a case like this. Acceptance of this is both depressing and liberating. Depressing as in “How could my intervention not change his mind?” and liberating as in “The kind of person who would do this is not doing it because they have inadequate information.”
Thanks for your thoughts, and I don’t disagree with you, but I’m not sure you’ve understood my motivation.
If something spins around in my head, I have to act or I just can’t get rid of it. I need to know that I’ve done whatever I needed to do to feel happy about how I’ve handled something. That I’ve left no ambiguity.
That’s why I sent him the questions: for my own peace of mind, not for closure or because I think it will change anything.
Ferns
this makes me understand how you know me so well…I am exactly the same. It’s torturous. And then even worse if you don’t hear back again. I’m sorry :/
*smile* Overthinkers unite! I think we need a union or something.
I don’t expect to hear back from him, frankly. It would be a bonus, but it’s not necessary.
I really just needed to plug the hole where that horrible niggling feeling was coming from so I could shut it down.
Ferns