Do I want you to get attached to me?
Oh yes.
No-one ever asks this though.
“You missed me didn’t you?” I ask.
It’s a rhetorical question. I know the answer. I want to hear you say it anyway.
I like to be missed.
I like to be wanted.
I like to be so far inside that it’s unbearable.
I like desperation and fear of loss and emotions out of control.
I like all of those things that make it dangerous for you. Unsafe.
I know I am not supposed to like those things. I am supposed to be looking out for you.
And I will.
But I want all of that regardless.
Then you have to trust me to keep you safe.
Which comes first though, I wonder?
I want the fall first, the reckless fearlessness that makes you leap into it.
The trust comes later, when you learn that I won’t let you hit the ground. Not too hard anyway.
Maybe you knew that. Maybe you just knew somehow.
This is not how most people operate. This is not how most people *should* operate.
But that fierce and fearless defiance is why you’re special. That’s why you’re for me.
I miss you.
Come and find me.
59 comments
I like to be missed.
I like to be wanted.
I like to be so far inside that it’s unbearable.
I like desperation and fear of loss and emotions out of control.
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. Always.
*smile* Yes.
Ferns
Most people only fall uncontrollably once. They hit the ground – hard – once and they learn from that.
Control isn’t always a conscious thing, but it is normally a learned thing.
And someone who can’t learn will never be suitable for a genuine and evolving relationship, because relationships are based on having the courage to explore, the humility to learn, and (hopefully) the honesty of intention that allows conscious, cognitive beings to steers their lives so they can be in sync with each other.
We all like to chase dreams, but unless your internal empiricist is helping to shape the chase, you’re likely to finally catch your dream only to find it doesn’t exist.
Sorry to be a philosophical bollocks, but I want my vicarious happy ending. *nods determinedly*
Dear Mr Shabby Arse, it is nice to have you back *smile*.
I know full well that a good part of what you say is true. I even acknowledge it in my post.
You and I, we are ‘most people’. We are not built of this emotional fearlessness. We learn, we protect, we distrust, we become smaller, and more scared, and our walls get taller and thicker. It makes perfect sense to do that.
That’s why the ones who defy this are so rare. It flies in the face of logic. Isn’t that what fearless people do? And it’s not that they don’t learn. I think they probably learn harder lessons than most.
They learn, they change what needs changing, they dust themselves off and they manage, still and again, to look at the world anew. Every time. Not because they ignore their history, but because they are willing to risk it again.
I keep thinking that it’s the emotional equivalent of what many successful inventors, thinkers, athletes, other great achievers do: They fail 50 times and STILL they stand up, they make adjustments, and they go “Right, let’s try that again shall we. This time it will work” and they run at it with that 100% conviction AGAIN.
I wax lyrical, of course, in that slightly dreamy way I do when a thought floats around and I try and capture it on the page. Allowances must be made *smile*.
Ferns
Well it’s nice to *be* back. *smile*
Unfortunately (for all of us in the comments section?) I’m bringing with me my internal empiricist, who quite boringly notices things about people and about relationships.
I’ve noticed that folks who ignore learned experiences tend to be – and I say this knowing full well that it might incur wrath – idiots.
Damn. That’s harsh. I know. But looking beyond D/s or kink, people that enter into relationships unconditionally tend to get fucked. And not in a good way.
They end up in a cycle of repeating unsuccessful or at worst abusive relationships. I know this goes against the generally sweet and romantic feel of your blog, but it’s a genuine and ever present aspect of relationships of all types. And so, like an unwelcome inspector on his first day on the job, I feel compelled to raise this.
(Tell me to shut up and I will BTW)
As one learns the shape and magnitude of risk that their life exposes them to they better form their understanding of risk. And while they may try again with 100% conviction to achieve something, that which the 100% refers to has changed. It’s unavoidable, and someone experienced in a certain type of relationship will absolutely and definitely have a different expectation of what that relationship requires from both sides than a newcomer would.
Even great inventors with 100% commitment to invention learn from experience and change both their approach and the focus of their experiments.
The top and bottom of this is that as people grow older – and learn from life – they’re less likely to be the type of person that you describe. And that’s because of …. well … living.
Surely you’ve noticed this over the past few years as you look for prospective partners?
This is not to say that you can’t find what you want (I really, really hope you do) or that it doesn’t exist. That strength of bond absolutely exists across all type of relationship and all ages. But unconditional, headlong diving into a relationship … that belongs to youngsters.
You have more to offer than you realise. I’m certain of that, and would bet both my last pastie and my last crumpet on that. But that doesn’t mean that unconditional relationship ‘x’ is going to happen or even that it should.
I honestly don’t know where to go from here … except to say plz don’t ban me from you blog. Both you and your blog are awesome … I just possibly have different ideas about what happens in life and stuff, that’s all…
*smile* Pfffttt… No banning, though we are talking at cross purposes. I’ve rewritten this comment several times to try to be clearer but I think my point is going into the ether.
“I’ve noticed that folks who ignore learned experiences tend to be – and I say this knowing full well that it might incur wrath – idiots.”
Wait: I have already said that it’s *not* that they don’t learn, NOR that they ignore those lessons, so our starting points are at odds.
“Even great inventors with 100% commitment to invention learn from experience and change both their approach and the focus of their experiments.”
Right. And it’s the same thing.
Repeating the same mistakes over and over because you don’t learn is something VERY different from what I am talking about.
They are not ignoring their experiences, they take full stock, change what needs changing, then they look bright eyed into the world with an open heart and they do it again because for them *the risk is worth it*.
Most of us don’t manage it because we get scared. We decide the risk *isn’t* worth it and we shore up our defences to avoid it.
I get so many very clear images in my head when I think of this, I wish I could just open it up and show you.
“The top and bottom of this is that as people grow older – and learn from life – they’re less likely to be the type of person that you describe. And that’s because of …. well … living.
Surely you’ve noticed this over the past few years as you look for prospective partners?”
I have yes and I agree with you. It DOES tend to get lost as people grow older, wiser, tired.
I talked about this a little here.
But you must understand that I am *specifically* talking about a rare quality here in this post. Rare and precious and lovely.
Have you ever known any people who create beautiful things despite all the things in the world that have bowed their heads (poets, artists, creative types)? These are some of the people who hold onto that way of looking at the world.
“But unconditional, headlong diving into a relationship … that belongs to youngsters.”
*smile* Well perhaps I will just have to find myself one of those young ‘uns then.
Ferns
Bitter/sweet indeed I really wish I could fix this for you Ferns
*scowly face*
Come on boys surely there is one of you up to it
*taps foot*
get to it now!
Coug
You should totally fix this for me. I’ll wait right here while you get the cattle prod…
Ferns
I like mint ice cream
Me too.
Ferns
What does that fall look like? How do show you are trustworthy?
Well in my case the fall ends in a bloody nose and me sniggering………..
Well you know sadist and all
Coug
Oh yeah and so NOT trustworthy
What does it look like? That’s a hard question to answer because it can appear in many different ways.
If I was to point to an example, I think this looks a lot like it:
– the pretty thing
How do I show I am trustworthy? I am as open and honest as I can be, and I am consistent with it over time so he can build up a solid stack of experiences that show that I can be trusted.
Ferns
Oh God. Thank you for writing this. Because I have spent the last few weeks feeling like I’m a burden to somebody because I miss him too much.
Well if he is anything like me, he probably smiles every time he hears it from you *smile*.
Ferns
I completely relate to this! Though I also relate to it from the “I will throw myself from the proverbial emotional cliff and hope things fly” side of the equation as well. I have a huge kink for trust. So it feeds my soul when someone is willing to be fearless with me.
(As an aside in regards to that arse guy’s comment… I don’t think this kind of thing is strictly the territory of the young. Or maybe *this* is that elusive thing that I have managed to maintain over the years as I’ve aged which means I can relate rather easily to significantly younger people?)
*smile* Yay! I think we had an exchange about something similar previously. I love and envy that you have managed to keep that quality.
As an aside in regards to that arse guy’s comment… I don’t think this kind of thing is strictly the territory of the young.
I don’t think it’s strictly young people either, but I do see where he is coming from. I do think it becomes more rare with age.
I am a little ageist when looking for a partner because I see many men around my age who have developed a thick shell of bitter cynicism that I find horribly unappealing. I think it takes time and world-wearying experiences to build that.
Ferns