You have to give me what I want.
But it’s not enough for you to give me what I want.
You have to *want me to get what I want*.
But that’s still not enough either.
You have to want to be the one to give me that.
And even then, it’s not enough.
You have to *convince me* that you will give me what I want, that you want me to get what I want, that you want to be the one to give me that.
Then you have to convince me that it will make you happy.
And I won’t believe you. I won’t. Convincing me is hard. Because it’s hardly believable that that could make anyone happy. How could that make anyone happy?
And I am not convinced by words.
I am convinced by actions. I am convinced by evidence. I am convinced by behaviour.
I spoke to a vanilla man briefly on OKCupid. He said, “I can’t imagine offering the kind of devotion that you’re looking for.” It makes sense for him to view it that way because to a vanilla man D/s seems like enormous sacrifice. It feels like an unfair deal. It looks like all give and no take. It seems… terribly unequal.
But for the kind of submissive man who fits with me, it’s not a sacrifice: it’s his *preference*, it’s how he shows affection and love, it’s home.
And what he gets in return is everything I have to offer.
59 comments
And good for the guy on OKC for recognizing that it’s not a match.
*smile* I guess, though giving a ‘good on him’ for the painfully obvious seems very generous.
Ferns
It’s on a personals site. I was grading on a curve.
*laugh* Fair point well made.
Ferns
Oh my God – I could totally have written that. Only, you know, not as well.
*smile* Thank you: I like it when things resonate with someone else.
And I expect you could have written it equally as well, if not better.
Ferns
Really nicely put!
And, from the flip side, just as true. It is like a dance, with each complementing the other.
Happy sigh.
Dancing and complementing: absolutely. If only everyone had learned the same steps. It would be so much easier!
Ferns
I remember the first time I commented on your blog, I wrote about D/s being more than just “whips and chains”, and this is the kind of thing I had in the back of my mind. I think that D/s in a lot more than something you do. It’s something you are and it’s more than just finding someone who is a “Domme”.
It takes a special kind of connection to elicit the kind of commitment you are talking about and although difficult to find, is well worth the time and effort expended to achieve.
That it’s the reason why things such as random play just don’t work for me. Without an emotional connection, having someone try to “dominate” me just feels like role playing and while I know that there are many who feel differently, for me, mere play or service are not nearly enough.
“It takes a special kind of connection to elicit the kind of commitment you are talking about and although difficult to find, is well worth the time and effort expended to achieve.”
My first instinct was to agree, but then I thought about it some more.
I was talking about connection, I wasn’t talking about commitment. I think they are relatively easily separated.
Connection doesn’t require commitment and I don’t think that what I am describing requires commitment either.
I think that if two people naturally relate like this, then it just works because how they are together ‘clicks’. That’s connection.
It’s a natural product of how they relate. Commitment is a completely different animal.
Ferns
re: dancing and complementing –
Those are some serious dance steps for sure, but for both to find their ‘home’ – ahhhhh bliss.
Hmmm I can see it now: Dancing with the Dommes. *smiles*
*laugh* That would be such a great show!
“No, *I* lead!! No no, not like that, like this! NO! There first, then swivel. Oh, FFS! NEXT!”
Ferns
That point when I’m with a partner I want to be happy, I want to be the one to make her happy, and I want to direct me on how I can make her happy — and when she knows that’s what makes me happy and enjoys it — that’s a really wonderful connection. It’s all too rare of a thing, unfortunately. I don’t feel that nearly overwhelming desire to please with all my partners, and when I do, they don’t always embrace it. But when I have found that connection, there isn’t much that can keep me from smiling ear-to-ear.
It IS rare, yes.
And I think that many people WANT to feel it, but they don’t. So it feels like ‘going through the motions’. And they will faithfully go through the motions waiting for an epiphany, and if they don’t know any different, they might think that ‘this is just how it is’.
But when it’s right, it’s SO not like that.
I’ll hold out until I get the ear-to-ear smiling over it.
Ferns
Absolutely beautiful and I don’t think anyone could have put it any better.
“But for the kind of submissive man who fits with me, it’s not a sacrifice: it’s his *preference*, it’s how he shows affection and love, it’s home.”
Submission isn’t what I do, it’s a part of who I am and how I show my affection. I especially like how you put that “it’s home” because when it’s right it feels like that is exactly where I belong. Home is the perfect way to describe it.
Most importantly I like that you ended with “And what he gets in return is everything I have to offer.” I can’t find that piece of home with just anyone. It’s HER that brings that out in me. She doesn’t do anything to bring it out except be who she is and have what it is that she has to offer, it comes naturally.
Respectfully,
Mysticlez
*smile* Yes, that.
Ferns
“And I won’t believe you. I won’t. Convincing me is hard. Because it’s hardly believable that that could make anyone happy. How could that make anyone happy?”
As a sub, I’ve always thought the same about femdoms. Despite the fact that it seems more rational to want to dominate than to want to be dominated.
To be wired as a femdom you have to be too radically different from me to exist. Yep. Or something similar. That’s how it works in my head. It’s pooey and screwy.
It’s funny how our minds twist around these things, isn’t it?
Though as you say, from a rational perspective, it makes perfect sense that ‘getting what you want’ would make you happy.
Intellectually, I get the appeal of submission. I mean, when I do something nice for someone I love of course I feel warm fuzzies, but doing it consistently without reciprocation in kind… yeah. Nup.
Ferns
I’m in love with this post, it’s beautiful.
In contrast, I have just received a photo from a cute sub I’ve been messaging online, it’s of his erect penis with ‘I’m your bitch’ written on it in marker pen…!
He lacks your beautiful prose skills, but I like to think his heart’s in the right place, and I appreciated the sentiment…
Thank you, I’m glad you liked it.
And if you appreciated the sentiment from the cute sub guy, then I’d say he got it exactly right: go him! *smile*
Ferns