I am all over the place with random thoughts, and I really can’t put them together into anything cohesive, so this is a collection of things I am thinking at the moment, in no particular order.
- I vacillate between feeling sweet with bambi and feeling sad, and much depends on the flavour of our last interaction
- Today I feel sweet, I didn’t want to let him go home this morning
- I want us to have amazing experiences together, but the context makes it challenging
- My bedroom smells like sex and lube and sweat
- Today I suddenly want to punch him. We are running out of time for the things I want
- I let bambi sleep in my bed last night for the first time, adorably cocooned in sheets and sarongs
- He can give wonderful warm, tight, full-body-contact hugs, and I like the way my body fits against him when he does that
- Yesterday he redid my toenail polish
- I have been giving myself a pass on my eating and gym habits while he is here. He is taking up my emotional and physical energy, I just haven’t much left for other things
- This morning we went for a body surf, then he made me coffee and breakfast, and then he washed the dishes. It was really sweet
I feel as if I am hanging onto the goodness here by force of will, and with just the tips of my fingers. If I lose my grip and fall, below lies a pit of badness. I just want to hang on long enough to make the most of him while he is here.
In that, I am still doggedly refusing to think about anything negative, those thoughts are going into a drawer in the back of my mind. There will be plenty of time to look at them later. Putting together this list was difficult enough because if I scratch the surface, I am afraid I will bleed out all over the floor.
Today we will go for a drive to a lookout, take a walk, probably have a swim. If we are lucky, we might see dolphins, or wallabies. And we will touch hands gently as we go, we will smile over silly things, I will pet his neck and reach up to kiss his cheek. And in the back of my mind, I will be picturing him naked and tied to my bed, internally assessing my mood as the moments pass to see what I want with him. Maybe languid kissing and gentleness, maybe something aggressive and violent. Counting off the hours until we are back home, staving off the melancholy with chatting and food and drink.
Tomorrow is another day.
9 comments
I can relate to having difficulty at times in departmentalizing your thoughts. You are strong to hold the sweetness close to you for now but please don’t forget to give yourself time afterwards. And know that even miles across the ocean there are people supporting you and if ever you find you are too weak to take another step they will happily carry you in that moment.
I swear I am so jealous where you live. I would love to be able to be at a beach to where I could actually see a dolphin!
“I want us to have amazing experiences together”
It is the journey that makes the destination worth while even if the destination leads to a dead end. Memories last forever.
Respectfully,
mysticlez
“I would love to be able to be at a beach to where I could actually see a dolphin!”
I do love it here. And we didn’t see any dolphins, but we did see a wallaby and some sea turtles!
“It is the journey that makes the destination worth while even if the destination leads to a dead end.”
*smile* I agree. And how do you know that it’s a dead end unless you travel that road? Exploring possibilities means taking risks. There’s no other way.
Ferns
“And how do you know that it’s a dead end unless you travel that road? Exploring possibilities means taking risks. There’s no other way.”
Exactly and I would much rather risk sadness or hurt than to lack in the beauty of an experience any day. I can recover from hurt but I cannot get back an experience I never allowed myself to have.
Respectfully,
mysticlez
Yes! Well said.
Ferns
Well you did it at last Ferns I am bereft of snide comments I wish with all my heart I could do “something” to help
Coug
Ha! I knew I’d get there in the end!!
I appreciate the kind thoughts, thank you.
Ferns
Sending love and well wishes your way Ferns. I know it’s rough but it gets better, I know I don’t need to tell you that though.
*smile* Thank you for the sweetness, Gabriel. Much appreciated. Also, nice to see you blogging again!
Ferns
Aww thanks. I was hoping that was you when I checked my stats and saw someone in your neck of the woods looking at my blog. I’m glad to be blogging again I think I’ve finally really gotten into it.