There is a thing he does that works for me, and interestingly, it is most evident when I mention something that is *not* working. Then he gets a little frustration with himself for not being/saying/doing what I want, and he reaches for it, wanting to understand what happened. He turns it over in his head and worries at it. His desire to unravel it and get it right is like a solid thing between us, and he examines it as if it’s something in his way and then he tentatively chips away at it to get to the crux of it.
It is incredibly sweet, sometimes clumsy, and completely adorable.
His reaching to get it right is the tender heartbreaking piece and the sometimes ham fisted execution is in equal parts awkward and completely and utterly lovely. In my mind, I see him like a lumbering giant, taking halting tentative steps through a field of fine and delicate china, a frown of total concentration on his face. It has a hint of vulnerability in it that I enjoy very much. I am not sure that he knows he is doing it, or the impact it has on me.
He has a complicated relationship with some things that I like, and it’s partly semantics and partly just that we see some things quite differently. Disavowing him of previous assumptions is not simple because we learn how to be from all of our life experience, and we come (often painfully and with difficulty) to certain conclusions. One can’t just say ‘No, not that, this’ and expect it to make a difference. It can’t, it won’t.
It’s more a gentle nudging and guiding to see if there is a track that he can sit comfortably in that runs closer to me, versus trying to artificially force him down a path that essentially has him acting in a way that doesn’t sit well or that makes no sense to him.
The details are less important than the feeling I get from him probing around to find a way to understand me better and give me what I want.
When he does that with a sweet and genuine desire to please… well… that encapsulates where I see his amazing potential. Also, it just makes me melt.
8 comments
I totally get and emphasise with this Ferns, lovely phrasing too
Coug
A comment.
Oh do be quiet, Puppington. You never know when to shut up. Mon Dieux.
*laugh* You two! Clothes off. Into the oil wrestling pit!!
Ferns
@Coug: Aww, you are being sweet!! Thank you.
Though I think you meant ’empathise’, though I would never emphasise that as some kind of mistake… *boom-tish*
Ferns
bwaahaaa Mea Culpa Ferns ;)
Coug
“Then he gets a little frustration with himself for not being/saying/doing what I want, and he reaches for it, wanting to understand what happened. He turns it over in his head and worries at it. His desire to unravel it and get it right.”
I don’t know bambi but I know this mental awareness very well. I believe this is the hardest thing when you are new like me. My very first time speaking with people who said they were Dominant was instantly “do what I say, when I say and don’t try to question or understand”. This was my first experience and several afterwards.
It left me going “well if this is what the popular opinion of what it means to be submissive then I am not defining what I feel correctly. Maybe I am not submissive then. I am very intelligent I have to understand, unless in times where it just works to stop thinking which is rare.
“It’s more a gentle nudging and guiding to see if there is a track that he can sit comfortably in that runs closer to me, versus trying to artificially force him down a path that essentially has him acting in a way that doesn’t sit well or that makes no sense to him.”
I think this is also lost in the D/s world at times. I see so many out there that again say this is my way and if you can’t be my way then you are not my term for what you feel. It leaves you feeling empty and lost.
Just random lost submissive thoughts, only analytical wanderings of one’s soul.
Respectfully,
brattyboi
Thank you for sharing that, brattyboi.
“My very first time speaking with people who said they were Dominant was instantly “do what I say, when I say and don’t try to question or understand”.”
I’m always so curious about the kinds of relationships these people have. They CAN’T work, surely (or not for long)? Though of course if you mean people ‘on the internet’, I’m willing to bet they have never had a real relationship… heh.
Having said that all dismissive-like, I do the ‘Just do it’ thing also, but NOT when we are figuring things out, and certainly NOT until I know exactly how my doing that will feel to him. And that takes time.
“I think this is also lost in the D/s world at times.”
I do think that there is a lot of fantasy-based stuff out there, including ‘play’ attitudes pretending to be normal human behaviour. There is no room for nuance in that.
I hope you have found some people with a bit more sense to talk to by now *smile*
Ferns