Sunday curiosity #4

There were only four questions from last week’s Sunday curiosity… so how did this post end up being so long? Discuss.

dan englishman said…

What is your first dominant memory? My submissive memory involves a girl next door, both of us too young to be playing anything more than show and tell…her persuading me to go first, manipulates the situation…i give in, show her what she wants to see and she ran off and told her mum what i had done. The bitch. Still brings a smile out remembering the confused, humiliating, angry emotions. Being chastised by her mum whilst she stood grinning….often wondered how she turned out lol

Oh, that was a cute story! I like cute stories. Thank you.

I don’t really have a cute epiphany story. My domination is part of my sexuality, so evolved as an integral part of that. I think there were two things that I learnt very early, in a vanilla sense, and they were confidence and sexual power. When the whole boy-girl thing started, I was like all girls really, saying ‘no’ to boys who wanted to ‘go too far’. The thing was, though, that I never felt the pressure that other young girls felt. I felt entitled. So when I said ‘no’, I meant it, and if they gave me any grief over it, I would then ignore that boy and move onto the next. The ignored boys would become the most attentive boys ever, and the one I had moved onto could see that and behaved accordingly. In essence, I learnt early that knowing what you wanted (or didn’t), having the confidence to assert yourself over it and refusing to accept less worked a treat.

dan englishman said…

Do you have a challenge for us in here? How could we feel what it is like to submit to you? Would be fascinating if you picked a person and set them a task. Jealousy for all the others who are not asked. Terror maybe for the person.

I think this is kind of a sweet question because I know a little of you. I do understand where it comes from, and I will do my best to address it, just not in the way you want…

There is no way to feel what it is like to submit to me unless you are submitting to me. Even if you asked my boy, he could only tell you what it feels like for *him*. Every relationship is different.

Setting someone with whom I do not have a relationship a task and having them do it is not submission to me, it is playing at submission. There is no real exchange of anything in it. If the task is something that I really need done (for example, I might like someone to research travel options for me), then there is a level of service in it, but that’s not where my dominance lives, and I doubt if that’s the kind of thing you meant. It’s not very rewarding for either party unless it is in the context of something more meaningful and if there’s no context, it’s play-acting. I have nothing against play-acting, it can be good fun, and there are many many insta-Dommes (‘on your knees, bitch’) and insta-subs (‘yes, Goddess, this worthless slave will do whatever You say’) who get together and play-act their rocks off, but it’s not rewarding for me.

I know that is a rather dull answer, but let me put it another way because I think it’s important for submissive boys who have no experience to ‘get it’. If this was a vanilla sex blog, as opposed to a BDSM one, the question might look like this:

“How could we feel what it is like to be in a relationship with you?”

Errmmm… you can’t. The closest I can give you is in what I write.

Adrial said…

Have you ever had submissive men not turn up to planned meetings, or turn up enough times to play and then disappear? Are they just liars and fakes?

No, I haven’t ever had anyone stand me up or disappear after play (I once told another dominant woman that and she called me a liar, seriously!!) and no, I don’t think they are necessarily liars or fakes. Some are, of course, but many others simply don’t have the skills to communicate what is going on with them, so they take the cowardly way out because it’s easier. Saying that doesn’t explain the ‘whys’ of the behaviour, but there are many (many many) possible reasons. I have thrown together the ones that come immediately to mind:

1. He is just a wanker (literally), whose prime motivation is to fuel his fantasies, so he plays along, but has no intention of meeting anyone
2. He is well meaning, but scared silly (I know, a grown man scared? But if he is a newbie, a meeting is the first step towards putting aside an identity that he has been wearing for 20, 30, 40 years and admitting he is not who he has pretended to be for so many years… that’s scary stuff) and when the moment comes, he can’t do it.
3. She has put on a ‘bitch goddess’ persona, and that works ok remotely, but he actually can’t imagine really having a relationship with such a person, in fact he doesn’t even really think of her as a real person.
4. He realises when the meeting is imminent that the real thing has no chance in hell of being as good as the thing he has built up in his head.
5. He is married or otherwise involved.
6. He lied about himself in some way (he is younger, older, fatter, skinnier, uglier etc) and will get found out.
7. He truly and honestly thought he could go through with it, but panics at the last minute, maybe even making it to the meeting location before he runs.
8. If he plays and disappears, it could be that all he wanted was a BDSM version of a ‘one night stand’, he got it.
9. The play was disappointing or revealed a lack of chemistry (i.e. he’s not that into her), he can’t bring himself to say so, so he disappears.
10. The play was great, but there was no clear agreement as to what would happen afterwards, so what she sees as ‘disappearing’, he just thinks of as going about his life.
11. If he’s a newbie, it could be that the play wasn’t how he thought it would be (not as amazing as it was online/on the phone/in porn etc), which makes him re-evaluate everything he thought he was or wanted, but he can’t talk to her about it.
12. The play was scary (too much too soon) and he freaks out.
13. The play was so perfect (everything he ever wanted and more) and it scared him to face his own nature, he can’t deal with the emotional fallout, so he disappears.

… etc…

I think most of those can boil down into a few basic things:

1. He is a liar or fantasist
2. He is genuine, but is struggling with something and cannot communicate his feelings, so he takes the cowardly way out
3. There is a mismatch of expectations

I imagine that the second is the hardest to deal with because he will come back, all apologetic and sincere and I think women tend to want to give those boys another chance. But regardless of the reasons for his behaviour, he has already proven himself to be selfish and cowardly by his actions, and frankly if it was me, I wouldn’t entertain the idea of a second chance with someone who treats me so badly.

Whenever I hear about situations where submissives have bailed on a meeting or disappeared after play, I wonder what the dominant could have done to avoid it. That is not implying that it is necessarily her fault (though of course, sometimes it is, we aren’t perfect!) – the fact is that while we, as dominant women, can’t change the behaviour of these men, we sure as hell can get better at building relationships where we can clearly recognise those who are going to give us what we want and those who are not. Dominant women are not necessarily any better at building relationships or reading people than anyone else, but given how common this seems to be, we need to get better at knowing when a boy is worth investing in. Sometimes it’s not so easy to tell.

I usually email/chat/talk to potentials for a long time before I will offer a meeting. By the time we meet, I know him well, we have a strong connection, I have no doubt that he will turn up, I have no doubt that we will get along, the only thing in doubt is chemistry, which is that elusive spark that can only be assessed face to face.

KitchenGoddess said…

You mentioned somewhere that you found your boy online. I seem to search high and low to no avail and am curious to know how you found him? What made him stand out? How did you know he was one of the good ones?

He posted something in a discussion group on Fetlife, and I was interested enough in it to go and look at his profile. His profile was stunning… original, smart, funny, idiotic, beautiful (you have seen how he writes!). I went back to it a few times to re-read it, I enjoyed it so much. I finally dropped him a note to tell him that I thought it was just about perfect and to wish him luck in his search. His reply was lengthy and cute and it made me laugh, and a correspondence developed from there.

How did I know that he was one of the good ones? The same way you know with a vanilla boy. Our conversations were interesting, entertaining, wide ranging, hilariously funny, hints of D/s in the flirting, they flowed easily, and his sweetness was always there, some beautiful vulnerability that was evident from the start. I found myself looking forward to him with a passion that I rarely feel (as I still do now).

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So, another Sunday curiosity done and dusted. If you would like to ask a question (macrame, cooking hints, traffic directions, box girder bridges… I have an opinion about everything…), please do post it in the comments and I promise to answer in excruciating detail next Sunday.

But before you go… my turn, then, to ask a question of you, dear readers… I am stealing this from KitchenGoddess above (thank you!) – it will be sweet for those with partners and maybe helpful for those seeking:

If you have a D/s partner, how did you find them and what was it about them that made you look twice (three times, four times… etc)?