I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m sad, and none of this is a surprise. Which is some comfort. Because I knew. And knowing means my instincts are good, solid, reliable. Knowing cushions the fall, makes the landing softer.

“I don’t trust him,” I said, right there in black and white.

I was right.

But I still kept a little piece of hope alive, because dammit, there was something there that I haven’t felt in a long long time. And I wanted it. Even though I knew, really, that it was an illusion.

Sometimes those imaginings have a power all of … Continue Reading

It is impossibly seductive to feel seen and be wanted.

I don’t mean in a nice calm and measured way, over coffee, perhaps a pastry with a light sprinkle of icing sugar on top, civilised conversation, a polite nodding.

I mean in that scary-intense way that crashes over you in waves. That way that feels ridiculous and frightening and tempts you to drown in it.

It’s right on the border of ‘WTF?!’ Perhaps even a little over that line, creating some ripples of instability where the shimmer of heat makes everything hazy.

There is an inevitability to it, it’s a … Continue Reading